So, dear readers, charge your glasses and raise a toast. Here's to Disney's "1001 Dead Dalmatians", a charming film about rescuing spotty puppies brought to you by the heartless bastards who, as soon as the real puppies were too old to film any more, had them all put to sleep. And here's to the wankers who, despite knowing this, still bothered to see the film.
Here's to Jeffrey Archer and his prison memoirs who once again proved that riding the gravy train is 100,000 times more financially rewarding than talent. And whilst we're on the subject of talentless twats, here's to Ulrika Johnson and Michael Barrymore and Anthea Turner and Jade and Michael Winner and all those other worthless, uninteresting, mindless, moronic television presenters about whom the newspapers have become fanatical since the "Queen of all Worthless Parasites", Princess Diana, kicked the Parisian bucket.
And here's to war and the oil wells in Iraq, soon to be divided between George the Conqueror and his money-grabbing, heartless, bastard-sons-of-bitches colleagues. Here's to ignorance, to football and the monarchy, to soap operas and Cilla Black, to pubs and golf and Stock, Aitkin and Waterman -- those never-changing institutions of the unthinking populace that keep progress at bay and stem the growth of self-awareness at its source.
As 2002 curls up its toes and attempts to shuffle off this mortal coil it's time to reflect on all those wonderful institutions that have entertained us these last twelve months. The bigotry, the hypocrisy, the misogyny, homophobia, racism, propaganda, spin, lies, misanthropy, greed, corruption and bullshit that has, once again, made this year as turgid with human failings as any of its equally lustreless predecessors.
Here's to New Labour who sold out its socialist policies for a taste of office and George Bush's ringpiece. Here's to arch manipulators such as Rupert Murdoch and Peter Mandleson and Greg Dyke. Here's to inequality across the social board where the lunatics are firmly in control of their asylums, where the rich get richer and the poor get pissed on, where charities take the place of income tax, where churches take the place of common sense, where self-deception, avarice and spasticity of the mind pervert the truth, bend the rules of aestheticism towards purple and yellow and shroud the feeble brain of the common cretin in the cotton-wool fleece of peer-group acceptance.
But most of all, here's to the average shit in the street. The sports fanatic and the lottery player, the politically ignorant and the sexually stunted, the illiterate, sideways-glancing, Tory-voting, tax-evading, self-congratulatory, celebrity-gossiping, American-film-watching, Christmas-celebrating, Harry-Potter-worshipping, common old dickhead without whom the world wouldn't be able to substantiate the divisions in wealth, in war and religion. Let's raise a bucket of frothing piss to all these things that have kept 2002 in the stinking dark ages and will no doubt continue to shit on the downtrodden through tasteless golden toilet seats in the year to come.
Folks...let's raise a tankard to ourselves. Happy Same Old Year!
Clare Short's condemnation of the English cricket team's plans to play
in the World Cup being held in Zimbabwe during February is, on the surface,
most commendable - but more of that later.
Mugabe's regime remains in power bolstered by uncountable human rights
violations including starvation and torture, the most newsworthy (in Britain
that is) being the forced removal of white farmers from their properties.
Nasser Hussein, the England captain, looks set to lead his team if the English
Cricket Board takes the stance of the International Cricket Council and gives
him the go ahead. Although not in the same class, any decision to attend the
World Cup is in the spirit of war criminals who claimed to be "only following
orders". The singular positive outcome of the English side going to Zimbabwe is
to swell their bank accounts. Taking the moral high ground and telling the
cricket authorities to get stuffed will cost them dear and may lead to being
sued for breach of contract.
Twisted suggests that our boys make us proud by inserting steel into
their spines, standing up to be counted and thumbing their collective noses at
Muthugbe and his gangsters. If the England side do decide to go then I hope
they fucking lose because they'll have deserved it.
Back to Clare Short. Her government's (rather the Cabinet's) view on
human rights seems to be very flexible. They don't give a shit about how many
Iraqi civilians will be killed when Dubya drops his hat. Their hypocrisy about
the appalling Afghan "collateral damage" was second only to that shown by the
US. Now Bleughh, at Dubya's behest, wants Turkey's entry into the EC
fast-tracked. Europe has refused outright because of Turkey's crappy human
rights record. Good for them!
Turkey supposedly condemns torture but it still goes on. People who
oppose what is manifestly a one party state are labelled terrorists. Anyone
falling foul of the secret police have a depressing way of disappearing only to
be found with bullet holes in their heads. The treatment of Turkey's largest
ethnic minority, the Kurds, makes for grim reading. Despite all this Britain
continues to sell arms to Turkey.
By far the greatest crime visited upon the mostly Kurdish population of
south east Turkey (Anatolia) is the ongoing GAP project to build up to twenty
two dams along the Euphrates and Tigris valleys. Two dams are already
completed, the Ataturk and Birecek dams. Tens of thousands of locals, mostly
Kurds, have been forcibly displaced (some to our chilly shores) and only a tiny
minority of the dispossessed have been compensated. Many rich archaeological
sites (including the Roman settlement of Zeugma), some dating to the
Palaeolithic, have been lost beneath the waters. The proposed building of the
Ilisu Dam on the Tigris valle,y close to the Syrian/Iraq borders, was backed by
Tony Blair, one of the major contractors involved being British construction
company, Balfour Beatty. The Ilisu dam will displace up to 74,000 Kurds and
drown Hasankeyf, one of the world's oldest cities. There was an international
outcry about the Ilisu project and the World Bank refused to fund the dam.
Balfour Beatty was shamed into withdrawing from the project and the British end
of the deal collapsed last year.
Iraq and Syria, both downstream from the GAP dams, have reason to
protest. They fear that Turkey will be able to control the flow of the
Euphrates and the Tigris, major sources of fresh water for both countries, and
blackmail them. Last but not least there is the environmental devastation to
consider.
All in all, Tone isn't bothered by any of this because he would still
like Britain to participate in the construction of the Ilisu dam and is sending
out "feelers" for anyone who will put up cash. French company, Amey, of which
Balfour Beatty holds a 40% stake, is ready to oblige the Turkish government.
The only thing stropping them is the lack of guaranteed money.
Why are Dubya and Holy Tone so eager to oblige the Turkish government?
Is it the pissing off the Syrians and the Iraqis that has made Tone and Dubya
so enamoured of the Turks? Syria and Iraq have both been named as leading
participants in the "axis of evil". Syria has been accused of hiding Saddam's
unconventional arsenal from the UN inspectors. Is this a good enough excuse to
welcome Turkey into the EC, no questions asked? Dubya and Tone think so.
And as to New Labour's disgust at Muthugbe's murderous regime hosting
the next cricket World Cup - well isn't this little more than payback for
Muthugbe's ambush and public humiliation of our dear leader at the "Earth"
summit earlier this year? Talk about the pot calling the kettle black!
99: Saint Myra Hindley. 60's pop goddess, director of Yorkshire social services, prison reformer and concubine of the flaxen-haired aristocrat, Lord Longford.
In 1967 Hindley began her tireless campaign to rid Britain's streets of poverty-stricken children, accompanied by her ever-faithful sidekick Ian Duncan-Smith Brady. "This was a huge leap forward for feminism," commented Germaline Greer (Female Eunuch and Australian porn queen) in Hindley's defence. "Myra is one of the few women to achieve equality in the male dominated world of serial killers." In fact so great was Hindley's influence that in the decades to follow women started drinking as much as men, watching football, swearing, fighting and generally being as offensive and as crap as their male counterparts in every walk of life.
After being sentenced to life imprisonment for a minor parking offence, Hindley repented of her otherwise blameless life and eventually found Jesus. This was more than could be said for the Yorkshire police who didn't find his hacked up body buried in the prison window box until three weeks after Hindley's death.
Lady Hindley-Longford was buried on Saddleworth Moor in 2002, her premature end brought about by her choking on the head of a small whippet. Her black and shrivelled heart was sold at an auction in Llandudno to a concerned scientist from the Daily Express.
Editor's note: Twat!
This week: The Feral Eye Collection by Terry Sedgwick.
Simply Brilliant!, March 9, 2001
Reviewer: Anthony Ellis from USA
This book of cartoons is a tragically underrated GEM! The cartoon's range from hilarious to . . . well, hilarious! With this book, Segwick displays a creative GENIUS that is all too lacking in the post-Larson cartoon era. This collection of cartoons shows that Segwick is definitely in Gary Larson's league, in terms of creative, artistic and humorous brilliance. A brilliantly funny and creative book. A must-have!!
Deputy Editor's note. When I handed over the brown paper bag bulging with notes to Mr. Ellis, it was with strict instructions ... "I don't care what you write ... just get my name right." DUDDED I was! I shall have a stern word with him ... "castration"
However it was better than this offering from Setev Gilellan of Dublin.
"This book of carton's is a lagerly underratted GERM! The carton's range from hilrious to . . . well, hilrious! With this book, Segswiwinck dismays a creative GENUS that is all too lacking in the post-Larson carton era. This election of carton's shows that Segswiwinck is indefinitely in Gary Larson's leg, in terms of crative, artinistic and humerous brilliance. A brilligly phoney and crative book. A must has been!!" Amazon.com Sales Rank: 1,916,636 (Te he he!)
