This week's...you know the rest. (I've been busy today so you'll just have to put up with this, okay?)

ATTEMPT TO SEPARATE TWINS FAILS

At a press conference in Jenin this morning, Dr Yasser Arafat announced that his team had failed to separate Siamese twins Dubya and Ariel Warmonger who are joined at the hip and share one mind.
“It’s a tragedy,” said Dr. Arafat. “The sooner we separate these two individuals the better it will be for everyone concerned.”
The twins are reported to be fighting fit and ready to go to war at the drop of a fart.

PALACE NEWS

The trial of Wynona Ryder was brought to a shocking halt last night when it was revealed the unnamed producer who suggested she research for a forthcoming film role by shoplifting, is none other than Prince Edward.
A spokesman for the Palace has so far refused to comment on this latest revelation but my sources reveal that the Queen may intervene and drop a last minute bombshell to rescue the reputation of the Hollywood princess but not before the lawyers have had a field day.

Is Paul Burrell a man of integrity or the jammiest bastard on the planet?
Diogenes tramped the streets of Athens looking for an honest man. He never found one. It would be nice if Mr. Burrell was indeed a man of integrity and kept his secrets to himself. Why? Because nothing would piss off the vultures of Fleet Street more than a man who can’t be bought. Sadly, Mr. Burrell is being offered a seven figure sum for his story so I’m not going to hold my breath.

THIS JUST IN FROM IRAQ

The ruins of Nineveh, ancient capital of the Assyrian empire, situated in Mesopotamia (now part of Iraq), is being systematically looted of its treasures, at least the ones that are left after time and shameful neglect have taken their toll. An international group of archaeologists is currently working on the site, endeavouring to preserve what is left.
This revolting act of cultural terrorism cannot go unanswered, indicating the writing is on the wall for Saddam. Dubya Bush, the world’s greatest academic and aesthete, took a dim view of the Taliban vandalising a world heritage site when they allowed their friends to park aircraft in the Twin Towers (Don’t you mean lobbed shells at the Twin Buddhas? – Ed.). And we all know what happened after that, don’t we!!!!.

"Immigration Minister Philip Ruddock, who spoke at a homeland security conference today, told reporters the structures for dealing with terrorism were not as important as the measures being taken." Full story.

Good old Australia, wonder where it got the idea for "homeland security". Imitation is the greatest form of flattery arse licking.

Excuse Me Ma'am!

Oh yes...this is a pearler! The trial of Paul Burrell, Princess Diana's former butler who stands...or rather stood...accused of stealing numerous items belonging to her royal deadness, reached an unprecedented halt today. The trial was suspended just hours before Mr Burrell was due to take the stand and give his own side to the story. And the reason for it's sudden ending? The intervention of the Queen!

Exactly why the Queen suddenly announced that it had all been a mistake and she'd known about Mr Burrell's 'safe storing of the items' from the outset is a mystery. The fact that her intervention earlier in the trial would have saved the tax-payer one and a half million pounds and Mr Burrell a lot of emotional hardship is also a mystery.

What exactly was Paul Burrell about to say on the stand? Was the Queen being blackmailed? If this unconventional act, shrouded in ambiguity as it was, was the lesser of two evils then what exactly was the alternative?

Already journalists the length and breadth of Britain are frantically trying to discover exactly what's going on.

Which probably spells bad news.

In times of constitutional crisis, when the media is doing everything in its power to topple the monarchy and, as Sedgwick would say, foist it on its own pertard, any good, royalist Prime Minister will realise that the only way of stopping them is by creating some enormous disaster to steal the headlines.

And this one's going to have to be big.

The trial might have ended suddenly but justice has yet to be served.

Deputy editor notes this amazing pronouncement.

Professor, Lord Philip Norton, an expert on constitutions, said: "I don't think it is feasible or legally possible for the Queen to appear before a court. The rule is that the Queen is above the law, it is her law."

Well bugger me dead good Lord Norton, if it's her law she can shove it up her right royal sphincter. One law for the rich and one for the poor and they're both owned by HRH. Exercising of the Royal Purgative? Not on your Nelly, I call it the perverting of justice ... and of course she's ideally placed to do just that, the House of Windsor is chocker with them.