The UN warned Iraq today that it has exactly one week to dismantle the missiles discovered by the weapons inspectors on its soil last week. These missiles had originally been thought 'justifiable' under UN resolution as their range was within 'defensive parameters'. Weapons inspectors, however, realised that the missiles were capable of travelling several miles further than allowed, hence the decision for their destruction.

This, unfortunately, has left Iraq in a bit of a sticky situation. The missiles are their last line of defence from any invading forces and, whilst dismantling them would leave them open to attack, not dismantling them would leave them in further breach of the UN and give the Americans, Brits and Aussies (along with several other bum-licking countries) "Just Cause" to go for their jugulars with nukes and bayonets. To make matters worse, George W. Bush has been stomping around for the last few months declaring, "Bollocks to the UN. We're going to war with Iraq whether they like it or not!" Bit of a no win situation, eh?

A postcard seller in downtown Baghdad today commented, "We would fully endorse President Bush's abdication. If he was to fuck off to neighbouring Canada we could avoid a war." Unfortunately for all concerned Bush has no idea where Canada is...so basically we're all screwed.

In the meantime, Tony bin Blair today visited the Pope in Rome. Whilst Tony is a dedicated Protestant himself, his wife and various members of his family, are Catholic. (Good job they didn't get married in Northern Ireland, eh?) In the Vatican, the ageing pontiff urged Blair not to go war with Iraq. Later the Pope was declared as "Not Working" properly.

"The thing is," span Tony. "The Pontiff is supposed to be the mouthpiece of God. And President Bush is God, but He's saying something completely different to the well-meaning but ultimately blasphemous Jean Paul Ringo II. Therefore the Pontiff will have to be returned to the garage for the duration of the Iraqi conflict for an overhaul." When questioned what his own relationship to the Honourable Burning Bush was, Uncle Tony replied, "The Pope is God's mouthpiece. I'm God's ringpiece. It all works out very well as a rule."

Some words of advice to the parents of children under the age of ten who live in my neighbourhood...words that, hopefully, they will pass onto their illiterate off-spring verbatim.

1) Kids: When standing exactly fifteen inches away from your ignorant friends there is no need to shout at a volume approximating that of the World Trade Centre falling down. Not only will it send yourself and your idiotic mates deaf but it also annoys the shit out of any poor sod who happens to be trying to watch the television down the street. Such behaviour, whilst not actually being against the law (or at least children under the age of ten who shout persistently in the street aren't very likely to end up in court for doing so), it might still result in a bucket of water accidentally-on-purpose being emptied from my bedroom window onto your heads. Probably a bucket of water with several turds in it. So shut the fuck up!

2) Whilst attempting to pick the pointing from my garden wall with the end of your shitty plastic swords might be amusing for half an hour or so, it will only prove very costly for your parents in the long run. That goes for trying to uproot any pebbles from my garden path that might be within easy reach of the back gate as well, and any stone cladding that might be attached to the house. It isn't worth it! For thirty minutes of what, even to a ten year old, must be extremely boring activity, you'll just end up having to fork out your pocket money every week until the day you leave school or die...whichever comes first. So bugger off!

3) Knock-a-door-run, whilst being traditional, isn't as cool and clever as you might think. Especially considering that by the third time you rattle my letterbox I'll be waiting behind the door with a cattle prod plugged into my mains. My defence in court will be that I thought a burglar was trying to break into my property. Your defence will have to be made personally to Baby Jesus, seeing as he'll be the next person you meet after 9,000 volts of electricity has wracked your limbs into smouldering twigs.

4) Kicking footballs into my garden is not recommended. Far from cheerfully throwing said football back, I shall remove it from my snapped and knackered honeysuckle, stick a knife through the top and then hold it up in front of you so that you can watch it deflate pathetically with a sad, dispirited wheeze. And don't even think about climbing over the wall to retrieve it either. There are illegal mantraps in my garden and several banned mines that would get Princess Diana turning in her pet cemetery grave.

5) Swinging from the ivy hanging over my garden wall and into the alley is also not advisable. I have coated said ivy with a venomous poison collected from Amazonian tree frogs. To date fifteen sparrows, one seagull and a wandering puffin have all met their makers through venturing into the ivy's verdant leaves.

6) Take your stupid fucking toys home with you after you've spent the afternoon holidaying down the ginnel. I don't care if they're bust in half or if the heads have come off the Action Men. Failure to remove your disgusting orange and yellow scraps of plastic will only result in them all being heaped into a cardboard box, placed on your own front doorstep, dowsed with petrol and then set alight. The scenes of carnage that would follow such an event whilst being excellent fun for most people living in the area wouldn't be terribly beneficial to yourselves and your families.

Uncle Brian: Saving children from the perils of life in Fleetwood.

(Thanks to Mike for providing the link.)

This on the queries log:

"funny Phenylketonuria pictures"

And I thought I was the twisted one!!!!!

Turkey poised for Iraq deal with US

Turkish Prime Minister Abdullah Gul says his country will agree soon to an aid package with Washington and grant an urgent US request to use Turkish bases in preparation for war on Iraq.

"They understand our worries, we understand theirs. A result will be reached in the coming days," Mr Gul said.

Turkey and the US have been wrangling for weeks over the US request, raising the possibility Washington might abandon plans for a northern front it hopes would shorten any war on Iraq and reduce US casualties.

Turkey says the US must satisfy its political, economic and military concerns before a deal is struck.

Turkey strongly opposes war, arguing it could stir turmoil in the region and undermine its economy by boosting interest payments on its large debts, cutting tourism revenues and throttling tentative recovery from recession by raising oil prices.

Outright refusal of the US request would throw a dark cloud over ties with Turkey's closest ally.

Should Turkey fail to agree to the passage of US troops across its territory, it would forfeit a substantial amount of aid and this would send financial markets, which have assumed a deal will be sealed, into a steep fall.

Faustian contracts alive and well in international relations. Mr Turkey, if you sup with the Devil have a long spoon ... and lots of food tasters.

Mr Gul gulled ... this Thanksgiving Day George will be mostly having bastard basted Turkey.

Powell foreshadows brief military rule

"US Secretary of State Colin Powell says US military control of Iraq after any war leading to the ousting of President Saddam Hussein would be as brief as possible (caveat emptor!) and the country would then revert to civilian rule.

"As soon as we can, (caveat emptor, de nouveau!) we would want to get the military commander to transfer real authority to a civilian leadership, perhaps initially of an international character." (Ronald McDonald, Mickey Mouse, Bugs Bunny ?)

He said the process would take place as a new leadership was being groomed ("groomed" what a 'lovely' word, "groomed by whom and to what ends, he asks rhetorically) that would consist both of exiled opposition groups(I believe many can be found banged up in 5 star detention camps in the outback of Australia, locked up in the dunnies of ships turned away from Australia or, if they were really hit the jackpot, in Davy Howard's locker.) "as well as those who are inside the country who are responsible and committed to the same values that those outside the country are".

Mr Powell denied Washington wants to take over Iraq, saying its track record in Kuwait, Afghanistan and Kosovo "is not one of imperialism, it is one of doing the job, bringing peace, restoring order and getting a responsible government in place".

Yeah right!


Colon, didn't your mum tell you it's rude to point?

Say it long enough, often enough #347

Mr Straw says President Saddam Hussein's appetite for weapons of mass destruction and record of oppression makes him a unique threat to broader peace and security.

He says successful disarmament will help end the suffering of ordinary Iraqis and reassert the authority of the international rule of law.

He also believes the Iraqi leader will only respond to the genuine threat of military force.

"If we took away the military pressure there would be no cooperation on Saddam, there would be no inspections whatsoever," he said.

"The tyrrany of Saddam on his own people, the killings and the torture of his own people would go on. The intimidation of his neighbours would continue and we would have shown dictators everywhere that defiance pays."

"Who's a pretty boy?" "Jackie wants a cracker Patriot missile penny bunger."

"All Animals Are Equal. But Some Animals Are More Equal Than Others."

George Orwell: Animal Farm.

Apply where necessary. For example: David Blunkett's theory on asylum seekers. George Bush and Tony Blair's attitude towards innocent Iraqis. The Lord Chamberlain's attitude towards everyone. American foreign policy towards the Israeli/Palestinian conflict. Interestingly Animal Farm is often misread as an attack on communism. Orwell himself held staunch socialist values (see the Road to Wigan Pier). Animal Farm was in fact an attack on any form of totalitarianism. And if you were ever in any doubt about the state in which we're currently living here in the West, then I've no doubt that last week's Peace Marches and the subsequent 'Ignorance' of the people that they were aimed at should give you some indication of where the general public actually stand. It's just difficult working out which one is 'Napoleon the Pig' that's all. Probably Bush as he's still learning to walk upright.

Other News and Michael Jackson today hit back against Martin Bashir, the Channel 4 News Reporter that made the documentary, "Living with a Retard." "The programme was unfair," Jackson squeaked. "We now have video footage shot from a different angle showing the man on the grassy knoll how Bashir wormed his way into my confidence by pretending to be my friend and then made me say and do stuff that reflected badly on me." Yeah, yeah, yeah...who gives a shit? It's Friday night and it's been a long week. Now you know how all those little boys that you keep shagging feel, Jackson, the only difference being that, unlike them, it's only your ego that's been ripped to shreds and not your arsehole.

The countdown is on, the World holds its breath, the U.N. meets amid crisis ... the verdict on Shane Warne is only hours away. (About the drugs thing ... not whether he's a gross, two planks in excess of thickness prat. That's a given.)

UPDATE: "Shane Warne has been banned for 12 months by the Australian Cricket Board (ACB) after testing positive to a banned substance." O.K. everybody can go to bed now. I have appealed against the lightness of the sentence, and suggested that random amputations of his body parts might have been more in order.

UPDATE: Bugger, he's going to appeal against the decision. Everyone back up out of bed! It's going to be a long day's journey into night. Not sure how long I can stay rivetted.

In recognition of the stance taken by the opportunistic, arrogant fine, morally upstanding French nation, parts of "The Rant of the Week" are now available in the language of diplomacy.

The VERY undiplomatic version of The Rant of the Week can be found here ... wassit they say ... "not fecking worksafe at any speed". Mind you, the time it takes to do its thing you will have left work and be knocking down a Horlicks and rum before turning in for the night.