Some helpful tips on how to survive the festive season.
1) Parents: Don't have any more children. The ones you've already got are expensive, ungrateful little bastards. Save your money and enjoy your freedom instead. Remember, no matter how much joy you might experience when your child casts aside the toy that you've spent six months saving up for and concentrates instead on the empty box, it doesn't beat a damned good bonk on Christmas Day.
2) Kids: If you're going to try carol singing outside my front door then at least join a group and learn a few songs instead of singing, "Good King Wen Cess last looked out on the dah dah dum dah..." If you're part of a trained choir I'll still ignore you, but at least you won't get a bucket of cold water over your heads.
3) Adults: Don't invite your relatives over for Christmas Day. They hate having to turn up and look enthusiastic when they'd much rather be at home watching James Bond. And you will have a heart attack due to the stress. It isn't worth it, trust me! Just be honest with them for a change. Or, alternatively, tell them you've got smallpox.
4) Kids: Father Christmas doesn't exist. He was invented by Coca-Cola as a method for tired parents to apply psychological pressure to unruly children by threatening to withhold your Christmas presents. It's a stark truth I know...but if you're mature enough to be reading this site, then you're mature enough to know better.
5) Adults: Baby Jesus doesn't exist. He was invented by politicians as a method for tired dictators to apply psychological pressure to unruly voters by threatening to withhold your eternal-life. It's a stark truth I know...but it you're mature enough to be able to read then you're mature enough to know better.
6) Vicars: Stop telling everyone that they've forgotten the true meaning of Christmas! Christmas, originally, was the pagan mid-winter festival in which fatted calves were slaughtered and their entrails hung from the trees for decorations. The church attempted to disguise the festival with its own bullshit but copious amounts of the original fertility symbols, such as holly wreaths, mistletoe, chocolate logs and such, survived. In the future Coca-Cola plan to hijack the current Christian version of this ancient mid-winter shag-fest for commercial purposes. Also, please try and be chronological with your nonsense. If Christ was born on Christmas Day then how come we don't celebrate New Year until a week later? Seriously, if you're going to try and stomp out pagan activities with your own inventions then at least be consistent.
7) Gamblers: Don't go to the bookies and bet on it being a white Christmas. It won't be! It hasn't snowed on Christmas Day since 1892 and it's far more likely to be raining instead. That's why the bookies are usually shut on Christmas Day because nobody has any winnings to collect.
8) Cubs scouts in Iceland stores who wait at the counters and pack your bags expecting shoppers to give them charity money: Piss off.
