Friday, November 07, 2003

Who, why, what, if, when ... NEVER HAPPENED!!

From Al

Prince Charles denies 'incident' charge

No one is exactly sure what happened, but Britain's Prince Charles says he didn't do it.

What may possibly be the most bizarre story to come out of the scandal-plagued British royal family, the heir to the throne denied on Thursday being involved in an "incident" that has been hinted at - but never revealed - in the country's scandal-mad press.

Royal biographer Una Mary Parker said the decision by the royal family to come forward and deny the mystery allegation was a change of tack for the embattled palace.

"They have been accused of being like ostriches and putting their heads in the sand," she said.

The current not so sotto voce accusation appears to be about a royal being less like an ostrich and more like a rutting stag and putting a body part (allegedly not a head, but who knows?) in strange places.
"But I think if you're going to make a statement you've got to go all the way and make a full statement. Because people are not even sure what the allegations are. It's confusing to the general public."
The problem seems to be more about a royal going all the way and not making any sort of statement, full or not.
Charles' private secretary, Michael Peat, said he hoped the allegation would be treated on its merits and dismissed out of hand. "There is a lot of gossip about it. There is a lot of innuendo, there is a lot of speculation and I thought it might be helpful if I made it entirely clear that it is untrue."
After 300 hours piecing together a tea chest full of shredded documents found around the back of Clarence House The Rant of the Week provides the following evidence which substantiates Mick's denials. (If these denials were actually made. The Rant of the Week awaits confirmation of the existence of the denials and indeed the existence of the alleged Mr Michael Peat.)

A person who looked like the Prince of Wales, but who definitely was not the Prince of Wales was seen by a butler playing naked leap frog with the Master of the Royal Hunt. This is an unsubstantiated, speculative rumour which is probably untrue, especially if it didn't happen. On the off chance that there is some substance to this baseless innuendo a court order has been obtained to supress publication of this utter balderdash.

A person who was allegedly the Prince of Wales but who probably wasn't the Prince of Wales was seen deflowering a bunch of pansies behind the potting shed at Windsor Castle. There is a particular sadness about this allegation because it was made by a former Royal Household floral arrangement which, unfortunately, has suffered from post-pruning stress disorder and has previously suffered from premature wilting following active service in the Chelsea Flower Show.

Dickie Arbiter, (True! The Rant of the Week even at it's lowest point could not make that name up.) the Queen's former press secretary, has told the Rant of the Week that these ludicrous claims could not be true.

"Nobody could have seen any of these alleged sordid events. I have never known any of the Royals to undertake rumpy pumpy activities with the lights on. I distinctly recall his Royal Enormously Large Lugholes saying this to me one evening after we'd finished buggering the Royal ferrets. "
"Judge of Plonkers, old chap, one of the royal customs that sustains me in my "I'm a little tampon short and stout" relationships with Cammie is the old black, bible black bedroom. Bugger me if I've actually seen her face and her juicy bits in the same room at the same time."

"I don't know whether he had or not, but I did it anyway. Not that it actually happened of course. None of the above is verifiable, and if it is there's an injunction on the way to Lord Pippi Longstockings as we speak. Not that I have uttered a single word about these things that never happened. My lips are a sealed section."

DISCLAIMER: The Rant of the Week does not possess any polaroids of any of these non existent incidents which can be purchased for the giveaway price of 150 guineas each. Not at all, definitely not. (Unmarked, used notes preferred.)