War virtually inevitable says Cheney

Monday, March 17, 2003
"American officials are warning that the only way to avoid war is for Iraqi President Saddam Hussein to step down.

US Vice-President Dick Cheney appears to have gone even further, suggesting war is inevitable no matter what Saddam Hussein does."

Dick, please tell us something we haven't been aware of for months! However if Saddam were to put a ferret down his trousers, do 12 handstands and then sang "Do You Know the Way to San Jose" whilst drinking a hot cup of Horlicks would that change your mind Dickie? Just a thought ... anything to save on body bags.

"British Prime Minister Tony Blair says France must decide "overnight" whether to accept the US-British-Spanish resolution."

Like Smarmy or the Chimp would respect them in the morning!

As may be gathered the Deputy Editor has returned to the desk after a week's sojourn in Sydney.

Ah, Sydney what a funny old town.

If the funnel web spiders and the metre long cockroaches don't get you, then the energy sapping humidity will. Part of my morning ritual was a two hour shower during which I applied gallons of "Sporex" to remove toxic black mould that had sprung up overnight in my groin and armpits.

Speaking of cockroaches, New South Wales is in the throes of a State election. The election is centred around, and I'm sure this sort of campaign would not have been seen anywhere else in the World, law and order. The current Government is going to lock up all convicted criminals for a minimum of 200 years, the Opposition is going to execute them first then lock them up for 200 years. The Government is going to assign 3 policemen to each member of the community for personal protection whilst the Opposition is promising an armed tank for everyone over 18. Judges who don't impose maximum sentences will be tarred, feathered and have their rent boy privileges withdrawn until such time as they have seen the error of their kid glove sentencing ways.

Want to buy a house in Sydney, or specifically in Balmain where I was staying with the one and true Sedgwick offspring? It can be done providing you have won Lotto or intend to work until you are 478 years old. Six doors up, a double storied, pedestrianly restored terrace sold on Saturday for $897,000. One derelict property, which could not be entered without a full metal jacket and a waiver stating you absolved the real estate agent from all responsibilities when the building came crashing down around your bonce as you opened the non existent door, fetched a paltry $650,000. However semi detached cardboard packing crates with bubblewrap ensuites are a steal at $100,000. Let's hear no more complaints from the homeless!

Even the vagrants possess undreamt of wealth. On Friday I encountered Lenny the local Balmain street drunk in an ostentatious display of his affluence. Outside the Balmain police station Lenny was waving a fist full of $50 notes ... in the current bid for the law and order vote I can only assume that the well heeled have been allocated their own personal police stations.

Feeling the sudden urge to redistribute wealth I sank the slipper into Lenny's groin and relieved him of the ephemeral trappings of affluence. Lenny collapsed into the gutter a happy and grateful soul. Noblesse oblige.

I sauntered down Darling St. in pursuit of a spot of brekkie. Aha! The establishment was just what the doctor and the MICA ordered. (If you are watching Yorkshiresoul read and weep!) An eatery revelling in the name "Tatu". (If you are watching Uncle Brian read and whimper!) Just the ticket for a lad who was basking in the afterglow of good works and "Sporex" ... "A deep fried crumbed whole camembert on rocket with potato salad and a fried egg. Toasted fruit loaf with lashings of beurre de la maison."

"Stuff the law, my good waitress, just bring me my order."

Come on all you "miserable, depressed, lost souls" (©Roger Chapman), if there wasn't a looming war we wouldn't have heartwarming stories like this ... and if Peter Wilson isn't nominated for a Pulitzer prize I will be flabbergasted.

Comforts of home bring joy to troops

By PETER WILSON in Kuwait City 17mar03

"The cake that 80-year-old Anne Dunning baked for her youngest son Steve's birthday yesterday was the first present she had ever mailed to the Persian Gulf.

But it was certainly not the first care package that she has sent to a loved one in uniform.
The Adelaide grandmother's husband, Jim, served in World War II and her eldest son was in Vietnam. Her youngest, Steve, is now part of the 2000-strong Australian contingent preparing for an attack on Iraq.

The Navy Reserve commander opened his mum's package at the Camp As Sayliyah base in Qatar yesterday to find the tinned cake, a jar of Vegemite, some toothpaste and a few sweets.

"She's fantastic," the 51-year-old said.

Even in an age of e-mail and long-distance telephone calls, for soldiers away from home nothing compares with receiving a letter or parcel from loved ones.

An astonishing quantity of letters and parcels is being sent to the Australian troops in the Middle East. A large proportion of them contains food.

"I like to get a bag of (jelly) snakes, some redskins and Tim Tams. It just reminds you of home," one unnamed soldier said."

"We have shown our cards...I believe that's an old Texas saying...from poker...we have shown our cards and we will determine exactly what that card means tomorrow," commented George W. Bush at his emergency summit in the Azures less than half an hour ago. Dr Dolittle was called in to translate the chimpanzee's words. In a nutshell: "I'm a total imbecile, a knobhead and a spastic. The war starts Tuesday morning and fuck the UN."

Tony Blair (soon to be ex-British prime Minister), George W. Bush (the Butcher of Texas as well as the Butcher of the English language), Don "Bull's Penis" Matador Carlos Moustache (Spanish premiere porn star and plumber) and some bloke from the Portugese Tourist Board who accidentally stumbled onto the podium, called the summit to try and look hard. Throughout the press conference that followed the one-hour of rigorous grooming, the lack of UN co-operation was variously blamed on the Frogs, the Krauts, the Pakis, the Ruskies and the Turks...and never once on the fact that different nations had different ideas about 'World Peace'. Ideas at odds with the Yanks, the Brits, the Spicks and the Portugal Tourist Information Service's plans for all out war.

"We are moving into a new time period," said Blair enigmatically so as not to give Saddam notice of the time-scale for hostilities.

"Yep..." added Bush. "We're gonna bomb the shit out of Iraq on Tuesday."

Meanwhile Saddam Hussein has split Iraq into four military zones and the UN into thousands of pieces. John Howard (Australian Prime Minister and pantomime dwarf) was noticeably absent from the summit. When questioned on his whereabouts it transpired that he'd been sharing a wombat with his old friend and confident Terry Sedgwick in a Sydney dunny. The trial starts Wednesday.

On this day:- 1912: Antarctic explorer Lawrence Oates leaves his tent, saying: "I am just going outside, and may be some time." He never returned.

On some day soon the Merkin President announces: "Our troops are now at war with Iraq and France, and may be some time." He was not returned for a second term.

(Sorry, I just made that up. The Miami electoral officials have bought a brand spanking new abacus.)

Bush prepares Americans for war with Iraq

"United States President George W Bush has quoted a Jewish holocaust survivor as saying the world has a moral obligation to intervene wherever evil is in control in a radio address to the nation.

This was an address preparing the American people for war.

In some of his toughest language to date, President Bush described Saddam Hussein as one of history's cruellest dictators, who he says is arming himself with the world's most terrible weapons.

In graphic detail Mr Bush described the torture and rape of Iraqi dissidents and their relatives."

And now a little history lesson for George.

"On Sept. 11, 1973, the Chilean military overthrew the elected government of Dr. Salvador Allende and established a dictatorship that ruled until 1990. The United States played a prominent role in these events.

The CIA began to instigate violence in Chile following the September 1970 election of Allende, who headed a multi-party socialist coalition. "I don't see why we need to stand by and watch a country go communist because of the irresponsibility of its own people," (!!!) National Security Adviser Henry Kissinger said at the time. In testimony before a Senate investigating committee in 1975, CIA Director Richard Helms told of how President Nixon gave him "the marshall's baton" to conduct covert activities designed to stop Allende from being inaugurated in November 1970.

Chile's institutions were destroyed, including the Congress, the press and trade unions. Troops burned books deemed subversive. The junta began a systematic terror campaign, arresting, torturing and murdering thousands of "suspected subversives." A Chilean government agency estimates that the reign of terror between 1973 and 1990 resulted in the deaths of some 2,300 Chileans.

Pro-Allende Chileans took refuge abroad, but even there, the long arm of Pinochet's secret police managed to reach them. Among the victims were Gen. Carlos Prats, Chile's former chief of staff, and his wife, who in 1974 were blown nine stories high in Buenos Aires, the Argentinian capital.

The FBI discovered that the Chilean dictatorship had organized a six-country alliance of secret police agencies, which provided surveillance on each other's dissidents and helped assassinate the most troubling exiled opponents. Bureau agents also learned that the CIA knew considerable detail about this "Condor Operation." The CIA even provided the secret police chiefs with a special computer to better conduct their relationship.

We should ask ourselves how we would feel if another government decided that our voters had exercised poor judgment and sent a team of saboteurs to undo the results of the election by force."
SOURCE.

Ah yes George, "the world has a moral obligation to intervene wherever evil is in control".

Thora Hird says:

"....................................."

British treasure (soon to be buried British treasure) Pantomime Dame Thora Hird has finally died after a long battle against old age. Dame Thora's acting career spanned four centuries and tributes from her work colleagues on "The Last of the Summer Wine" (the longest running sit-com in the World...and by God it feels like it) have been pouring in. "Look at that. She's in a coffin. What's she doin' in a coffin, Norm? She shouldn't be in a coffin at her age. She'll get rheumatism. Fancy 'er bein' in a coffin like that. What's she think she's doin'? It ain't right 'er bein' in a coffin. She's in a coffin look."

Said a spokesperson for the BBC, "There's nothing sinister in Thora's death. She just felt that it was time to move on. Thora was always conscientious that younger actors, such as Michael Douglas and Mickey Roony, weren't getting the roles they deserved because she was in the way."

Thora Hird will best be remembered for the Stanah Chairlift adverts.

Some Hints and Tips for British Soldiers to Ensure a Safer and more Enjoyable War.

1) Make sure you buy a spare pair of boots and/or sandals from the local cobblers before setting off for the front line. Those provided you by the British military are prone to melt in hot sunshine. They're about as much use as knitted condoms. The same goes for your rifles, helicopters and basic kit...all of which are susceptible to heat and sand storms. If the local store is closed for religious reasons (or it's just been bombed out of existence) then you could always buy your much-needed supplies from your American cousins. But make sure that you've got plenty of money. Those Americans drive a ruthless bargain.

2) When approached by an Iraqi with a pointed stick...aim to kill! Pointless Pointed sticks can be extremely dangerous, as can screaming babies, angry chickens and women with rolling pins. Follow the American example and shoot everything that moves just to be on the safe side.

3) If you see a lone figure buggering off sharpish across the sand dunes screaming and crying then don't bother killing it. According to Mr Dunwoody of Maplethorpe Drive, "It'll just be some Yank. They always were bleedin' useless. Durin' the War, y' know, they were always the first t' bugger off screamin' whenever any real action took place. Full o' shit they were, the lot of 'em!"

4) If your squad notices an American jet fighter hoving into view on the horizon, dig trenches quickly, get inside and keep perfectly still. On no account wave the Union Jack above your heads, paint a large Red Cross on your jeeps or attract attention to yourselves.

5) When your rations of Worcestershire Sauce run out try biting the heads off lizard and squeezing the juices through their necks. Your boots will make a good substitute when you run out of real food (which, judging by the way things are going, should be on the second morning) and urine makes an excellent choice of drink. It might sound a bit nasty but anyone who's ever spent any time in the cafe I patronise in Fleetwood will know that you soon get used to it and even end up paying for the privilege.

6) Do not stop to make sand castles in the middle of a battle.

7) Don't expect a hero's welcome if and when you get home...unless you're jumping ship to the American side. The reporters from the Sun will no doubt be there on Southampton dock to wave the flag and take your photograph, but the rest of us will be too busy dying of ricin and laying siege to the Houses of Parliament.

8) Perhaps the best bit of advice I can possibly give you right now is...go AWOL while you've still got chance. At least that way you won't spend the rest of your lives regretting the innocent people you've killed, hiding away from civilisation in the Cumbrian mountains, living on snared otters and speaking incomprehensible English in bad American movies. Remember...if there aren't any armies there can't be any wars!

Uncle Brian: Those who are about to die we salute you! Those who are about to kill you will probably be American.