Sunday, March 16, 2003

Thora Hird says:


British treasure (soon to be buried British treasure) Pantomime Dame Thora Hird has finally died after a long battle against old age. Dame Thora's acting career spanned four centuries and tributes from her work colleagues on "The Last of the Summer Wine" (the longest running sit-com in the World...and by God it feels like it) have been pouring in. "Look at that. She's in a coffin. What's she doin' in a coffin, Norm? She shouldn't be in a coffin at her age. She'll get rheumatism. Fancy 'er bein' in a coffin like that. What's she think she's doin'? It ain't right 'er bein' in a coffin. She's in a coffin look."

Said a spokesperson for the BBC, "There's nothing sinister in Thora's death. She just felt that it was time to move on. Thora was always conscientious that younger actors, such as Michael Douglas and Mickey Roony, weren't getting the roles they deserved because she was in the way."

Thora Hird will best be remembered for the Stanah Chairlift adverts.

Some Hints and Tips for British Soldiers to Ensure a Safer and more Enjoyable War.

1) Make sure you buy a spare pair of boots and/or sandals from the local cobblers before setting off for the front line. Those provided you by the British military are prone to melt in hot sunshine. They're about as much use as knitted condoms. The same goes for your rifles, helicopters and basic kit...all of which are susceptible to heat and sand storms. If the local store is closed for religious reasons (or it's just been bombed out of existence) then you could always buy your much-needed supplies from your American cousins. But make sure that you've got plenty of money. Those Americans drive a ruthless bargain.

2) When approached by an Iraqi with a pointed stick...aim to kill! Pointless Pointed sticks can be extremely dangerous, as can screaming babies, angry chickens and women with rolling pins. Follow the American example and shoot everything that moves just to be on the safe side.

3) If you see a lone figure buggering off sharpish across the sand dunes screaming and crying then don't bother killing it. According to Mr Dunwoody of Maplethorpe Drive, "It'll just be some Yank. They always were bleedin' useless. Durin' the War, y' know, they were always the first t' bugger off screamin' whenever any real action took place. Full o' shit they were, the lot of 'em!"

4) If your squad notices an American jet fighter hoving into view on the horizon, dig trenches quickly, get inside and keep perfectly still. On no account wave the Union Jack above your heads, paint a large Red Cross on your jeeps or attract attention to yourselves.

5) When your rations of Worcestershire Sauce run out try biting the heads off lizard and squeezing the juices through their necks. Your boots will make a good substitute when you run out of real food (which, judging by the way things are going, should be on the second morning) and urine makes an excellent choice of drink. It might sound a bit nasty but anyone who's ever spent any time in the cafe I patronise in Fleetwood will know that you soon get used to it and even end up paying for the privilege.

6) Do not stop to make sand castles in the middle of a battle.

7) Don't expect a hero's welcome if and when you get home...unless you're jumping ship to the American side. The reporters from the Sun will no doubt be there on Southampton dock to wave the flag and take your photograph, but the rest of us will be too busy dying of ricin and laying siege to the Houses of Parliament.

8) Perhaps the best bit of advice I can possibly give you right now is...go AWOL while you've still got chance. At least that way you won't spend the rest of your lives regretting the innocent people you've killed, hiding away from civilisation in the Cumbrian mountains, living on snared otters and speaking incomprehensible English in bad American movies. Remember...if there aren't any armies there can't be any wars!

Uncle Brian: Those who are about to die we salute you! Those who are about to kill you will probably be American.