Remember a year and a bit ago, shortly after the tragic events of November the ninth, when George Winston Bush asked the question, "Why would anyone hate America?" Well, apparently the American government were so ignorant as to how anybody could possibly consider their fine upstanding Land of the Free so detestable that they comissioned a survey. The results were broadcast on Newsnight tonight and, it seems that, over 76% of those questioned consider America to be oppressive and the war on Iraq to be more to do with oil than ethics. This was especially true in the muslim world. (Obviously the arabs know more about American politics than the Americans do.)

This, however, didn't particularly answer the question (probably because the surveyers forgot to actually ask the public why they hated America so much) so Jeremy Paxman put the question to Mary Not-at-albright instead. And her response was:

"The rest of the world obviously considers us to be the rich folk on the hill and they don't like that."

Actually her response went on for much longer but the general gyst was that America is great and everyone else is jealous of them.

Nothing to do with America's appalling human rights record then? Or the fact that America is the largest polluter on the planet but continually snubs the 'Anti-Pollution Summets' that all the other world leaders attend? Or the fact that America's corporate-driven government has exploited countless lesser countries into poverty for the sake of its own pocket? Or because America has the largest stock pile of nuclear missiles in the world (which, of course, it will only ever use in self defence...much like its army) and since the second world war has attacked almost 70 different countries without provocation? Or any of the other numerous problems that the xenophobia of successive American presidents have caused across the globe etc?

It's all down to everyone else being jealous because they've got such big cocks?

Well, that was a survey well worth the money spent on it then. At least we've sorted that out. Now America can rest easier in its bed at night knowing that they've done nothing wrong anywhere and they will all go to heaven when they die and be made into saints.