Monday, December 15, 2003

Joker beats the Ace of Spades

American intelligence agents (insert your own joke here) have finally finished checking Saddam's hair and throat for those elusive weapons of mass destruction and have now moved on to the question of how best to publicly humiliate/kill try him. Saddam was discovered on Saturday morning in an eight foot hole (shouldn't that be in metric figures these days?) beneath a privy in Tekrit, disguised rather stupidly as that other international figure of hate Terence Sedgwick. (Sedgwick himself was discovered last Tuesday hiding in Ann Widdicombe's own eight-foot hole.)
Tired and confused due to the concoction of drugs the American forces pumped into him, Saddam posed briefly for the cameras...defiantly proving what a big fuss about nothing American POWs had made in front of Iraqi cameras a few months ago.
Tony Blair has already distanced Britain from any trial that might involve the death penalty. (Nice one Tony! Pontious Pilot strikes again, eh?)
Said a spokesman for the Whitehouse, "We would have captured him earlier but it took us fifteen days to decide on a name for the operation. At first we thought, "Cobra Strike" but that sounded a bit gay. Eventually we hit upon the title of the little known and really shit film "Red Dawn." It's about a bunch of plucky young American students fighting back against terrorism...although on reflection Steptoe and Son might have been more appropriate."
Since Saddam's capture British news programmes have suspended all other news, preferring instead to repeat the three and a half seconds of his medical footage over and over again.
"Material hasn't been stretched this thin since the last series of Graham Norton," commented Mr Seagull in the Fisherman's Arms tonight. "Although Ann Diamond's knicker elastic has come pretty close at times."
The circus continues although edited highlights will be repeated through Bush's re-election campaign.