"Are you wondering what more you can do to help the planet? ..... You can be a bomb in bed without nuking the planet."
Eh-eh... bloody green love.

Oops, I have found a big heap of realy rants. Enjoy them.

In a desperate attempt to win back voters the Tory Party have used their conference this week to promote a shiny, new and caring image of themselves to the British public. From now on the once self-centred and greedy conservatives will be sticking up for the underdogs, giving financial aid to those forgotten by society and creating opportunities for the socially worthless.

So, they're still thinking only about themselves then.

Duncan Smith surveying his murky future in a crystal ball at a recent meeting of Bald Pillocks Anonymous (Folically challenged men getting together to make complete arses of themselves!)

There is something sad about watching Iain Duncan Smith and his fascist cohorts spitting bile at New Labour over the dais at the Tory Party Conference. Especially when you stop to consider that the policies implemented over the last few years by Tony Spin Blair -- policies that have brought about the downfall of the NHS, the destruction of the educational system and the annihilation of Public Services --were originally concocted by the Conservatives themselves. As my grandmother used to say, "It's the pot calling the kettle black is that,"although to be honest I'm not sure if there are racist overtones in that particular cliché.

One of the many reasons for the Tory Party's decline is the fact that New Labour (stronger, meaner and tumble-dried) are Old Tory revamped, making the Conservatives themselves nothing more than stale imitations of Tony's Cronies with the shadow of Thatcher still clouding any fresh image they might care to put forward. It might help, of course, if the new dynamic Tory Party held their conference anywhere other than Bournemouth. Not a very wise decision by the executives there, seeing as Bournemouth is synonymous with dotage and clapped out donkeys.

Not that it matters. Nobody wants the b*stards back in power anyhow. Some of us have long memories. We can still remember those dreadful years when the unions were crushed for failing to submit to government pressure, when socialism died beneath the oppressive boots of totalitarianism, when the utilities were lifted from the public sector and handed to quangos, the fat cats and the members of the aristocracy.

Hold on a minute...that was last week, wasn't it?

THE BRITISH GOVERNMENT WOULD LIKE TO APOLOGISE FOR THE LACK OF INTERUPTION TO RIGHT WING POLICIES OVER THE LAST TWENTY YEARS.

Normal variegated politics will be resumed as soon Uncle Tony has finished auditing the rest of the world.

Coming Soon!

Exclusive to Scrag End Books!

The Greyminster Chronicles, re-released as individual, beautiful handbound volumes, each signed personally by the author and guaranteed to thrill your friends and relatives this Christmas! Yes, the Greyminster Chronicles will soon be available as individual books, each volume to be released at a rate of one Chronicle per month, starting with the excellent Patternoster Row and concluding with the never-before-in-print Miss Duvall's Advocate! Place your orders now!

What?

Why are you looking at me like that?

I'm only trying to make a living! It's not as though I make a fortune out of these things you know...I'm just trying to introduce some of you ignorant b*stards to a bit of proper literature, that's all.

Look, if you didn't all rush out and buy sh*t like Jeffrey Archer's prison memoirs and actually spent a bit of money on some of my books instead then I could keep this board exclusive to politics and social opinion! I mean, seriously...the man's a Tory tosspot for Christ's sake. He gets done for corruption, gets sent down, finds Mr Big sticking his todger up his bottom and then writes a load of old crap about it and sells it for millions! Me?! I work hard all my life perfecting my art and I make sod all! Where's the justice in that?

So don't go criticising me for selling out! I'm not the criminal here! I'm not the idiot buying Archer's pathetic crap! It's amazing...everyone wants something for nothing nowadays...especially when it comes to me...but you're all prepared to spend out a fortune on a twatty little Tory git's book! Well sod you then...I don't want you to buy Patternoster Row. In fact, I won't let you have a copy if you order one. I'm going to keep them all myself. Hah! Let's see how you like that, fools!

... and while I'm sitting here with a lap full of God's gift to the culinary world, let me bring your attention to this.

"2 years ago, I invented the foot braces. Between the invention of pinky rings and the foot braces, I tried nearly everything I can think of: Tesla coil, inducing wiring my body using high voltage, low amps. Electro-magnetic coils. Nothing worked as good as a pair of rings on the pinkies except the foot braces. The foot braces worked, and they worked better than the pinky rings."

"Please believe me. Everything you read is true and is important. Now people do not have to age anymore. People are believed to be able to stay physically young forever by using his new inventions "The Eternal Life Rings" and "The Eternal Life Foot Braces". The Eternal Life Rings are to be worn on both small fingers of a user during sleep."

What the Hell was going on when evolution developed internal pain?! Particularly that of a diseased gallbladder variety! Last night I spent six or seven hours doubled-up in agony because I stupidly ate a sandwich containing butter instead of margerine. And whilst doubled-up I got to thinking, "Why? Why do we need pain on the inside at all?"

Pain on the outside I can understand. We need to feel things...it's one of our senses. But pain on the inside. That's just bloody irresponsible of nature! And there's no point in saying, "It's to let us know there's something wrong so that we can take the appropriate steps," because it's only in the last century or so that hospitals have become widespread. For the countless billions of years before that we couldn't do bugger all about sorting the problem out if we'd wanted to.

Did we evolve, not from chimps as George Bush tends to indicate, but from gallbladders where pain was originally a necessity? No...I strongly suspect that evolution is wrong and that this is God's work. And God, to all intents and purposes, is a petty, vindictive little sadist. The only problem with that argument is that God quite obviously doesn't exist at all...a fact proven by the very existence of Christians themselves.

Do you have a view on religion? Do you believe that Baby Jesus prefers arse-lickers to free-thinkers? Is abortion wrong? Or, as George Bush proves, should it be exercised with greater frequency? If you have an opinion on any of these subjects then please keep it to yourself. I'm off to stab my gallbladder with the potato peeler.