Day Seventeen of de Cousin of all Barnies: Received food parcel from Auntie Edna. Hobnobs all crushed. Damn dis war!
Morale amongst Republican Guard low after one thousand killed in incident over missing toilet rolls. Sent Dopple-Saddam onto streets to raise spirits and shoot some civilians. Dopple-Saddam proved very popular. Too popular in fact. Had him shot.
Power to Presidential Bunker lost earlier. Used wax from Minister for Disinformation's ears as makeshift candles.
Allah remind us where we buried the chemical weapons!

Day Eighteen of de Grandfather of all Wet Willies: Sneaky little Yankee rascals stuck their heads into Baghdad den disappeared again. Not sure where they've gone. Possibly hiding behind de novelty souvenir shop on General de Gaul Street.
Minister for Disinformation looking worried. Apparently we only have fifteen television masts left and our supply of pilchards is running out.
Favourite cousin, Chemical Ali, killed in mortar attack. Mum always said he'd come unstuck after he killed 100,000 Kurds. Serves him right. The bastard still owes me a fiver.
Allah taunt our enemies by flicking 'V's.

Day Nineteen of de Mother-in-law of all Pile Ons: Presidential Palace stormed by US troops! Cheeky foreign reporters kept going on about gold-plated toilets and mercury bidets. Claimed they were signs of brutal dictator. Apparently I live in luxury whilst people around me live in poverty. Hey! I got de idea from Queen of England for Allah's big bell end's sake! And Donald Rumpfeeler when he took me on tour of American trailer parks.
Some Yankee devil troops reprimanded for hoisting Star Spangled Banner in Baghdad and upsetting de locals. Cheeky buggers! Should be hoisting de white flag. Preferably covered with blood!
De war effort isn't looking promising. Basra fallen to British troops. Noticed on de telly their tanks were flying de Welsh flag. That didn't upset anybody. Nobody knew what it was.
Am thinking of shaving off tash and putting on burkha. Toiletries running low. Might pop down shops...in Marseilles. Presidential dunnies starting to backlog.
Allah be buggered. I'm out of here!

As the demise of Baghdad continues, President George Wanker Bush is flying into Northern Ireland to meet with Tony Blair. (Who said pigs would never fly?) The spineless little shit. Why won't the stuck-up arrogant little chimp actually come to Britain?
Oh yeah...sure...he's guaranteed an uproarious welcome in Ireland...especially seeing as they've well and truly cordoned off the anti-war protesters. After all, Clinton received one so why shouldn't he? But us Brits...well, we're not so keen on the stuff-shirted little turd despite our hallowed leader Uncle Tony's besotted demeanour.
There is, of course, an irony in this, Dubya and Blair now having created their own Northern Ireland guerilla war in the Middle East, just as the real Northern Ireland is starting to sort itself out.
However, possibly, for once, Bush is making the right decision...at least as far as the Brits disassociation from this war mongering twat is concerned.
According to a survey I read somewhere, the good people of Texas are also trying to distance themselves from the manic midget. Despite being born in Texas, Dubya's parents came from elsewhere...on which basis he isn't truly a Texan.
Sorry chaps...it won't wash with us any more than the fact that John Prescott came from his mother's sphincter (according to the midwife, his mother's front bottom rejected him outright). Loathe as I am to admit it Prescott's a Brit and Bush is a cunt.

Iraq's Information Minister Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf (pictured below ... very below.) denied that the US troops had captured palaces belonging to President Saddam Hussein.

US forces are "commiting suicide" by attacking Baghdad, according to Iraq's information minister.



As news came in of increased Coalition attacks on the capital, Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf said: "They are begining to commit suicide at the walls of Baghdad.

"We would encourage them to increase their rate of commiting suicide."

'We go to liberate, not to conquer'

U.S. Seizes Key Buildings in Baghdad

"I do believe this city is freakin' ours," boasted Capt. Chris Carter of Watkinsville Ga.

'nuff said.

Saddam Hussein is Alive and Well and Living in Kalgoorlie!

Iraq's Number One Celebrity made a brief reappearance on television tonight in a desperate attempt to quell rising fears amongst Iraqi troops that he had been killed. Pentagon officials have declared the footage as 'Blatently bullshit.' Seen here canoodling with long time lover Terence bin Sedgwick, Saddam is clearly an awful lot younger. Sedgwick himself is nowhere near as grey and one of the wombats in the background has been named as 'Little Joe'. Little Joe's mangled body was discovered on a disused gravel heap in New South Wales fourteen years ago with Chemical Sedgwick's tongue prints around it's arse.

More 'friendly fire' in the North of Iraq claimed eight innocent lives, including the brother of some Kurdish leader or other and a BBC translator, today. British legend and national treasure, John Simpson, was also wounded by low flying shrapnel. The attack was, as always, undertaken by an American fighter pilot. "We were only obeying orders," the pilot said through his buckled yellow teeth. "We can't help it if our commander in chief is a smug-faced, cross-eyed chimpanzee."
Meanwhile American legend and international treasure...er...whatever his name is...the bloke from CNN who was embedded with the troops...is now embedded in a coffin. Apparently he died from some sort of thrombosis. Obviously in all the excitement he forgot to wear his anti-blood-clot stockings when climbing into his tank. It was an easy mistake to make...especially seeing as the commander in chief of the US troops is a smug-faced, cross-eyed chimpanzee.
American troops have left Baghdad again after a brief incursion yesterday. When asked why Sergeant Major Kowolski replied, "We took the wrong turning. It's an easy mistake to make when your commander in chief is a smug-faced, cross-eyed chimpanzee."
Yesterday British troops uncovered a warehouse full of Iraqi bodies. Some were in makeshift coffins. Others were in plastic bags. The White House immediately declared this as absolute proof that Saddam Hussein was a war criminal. On further examination, however, it became clear that most of the bodies were at least twelve years old. Most likely the warehouse was some sort of 'sorting office' for Iraqi corpses courtesy of the last Gulf War, so that the remains could be identified and returned to relatives. "It's an easy mistake to make," admitted Colon Powell later. "Especially when your commander in chief is a smug-faced, cross-eyed chimpanzee."
At the UN normal arguments have once more resumed, this time over proposals for a post-war Iraq. America has decided that it wants the UN to play no part in rebuilding the political structure of the country. Foreign powers, including the French, the Russians and the Krauts, have called Bush's decision a big mistake. "Well..." commented Kevin Koffi Anan. "What can you expect when the commander in chief is a smug-faced, cross-eyed chimpanzee?"
And finally, a man was captured on video camera this morning climbing into a cage and saluting a gorilla at Chester zoo. The man turned out to be an American tourist. (Fifty Iraqi Dollars for the first person who can find a suitable punchline.)

NO! NO! NO!

We, "Les Chimpanzees Sans Frontières Mais Avec les Grandes Derrières Rose" demand that the Rant of the Week withdraw all statements inferring that the current clear and presently dangerous Commander in Chief is in any way related to our members. Such specie-ist and specious comments are demeaning, insulting and visit no credit upon your publication.

Twisted'll be back soon. That's if I ever finish the newlsetter I'm working on. A lot of stuff has been written via clairvoyance!!!

The Rant of the Week Presents:

Your very own Classic 'Deputy Editor Sedgwick' Paper Doll War souvenir:

As recently rediscovered on my hard drive for use in an emergency posting when I'm recovering from a hangover. Don't ask what the numbered items are...I'm buggered if I can remember.

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When you've finished paper toling my barely visible dangly bits you Amerkins out there might like to take this quiz.

Fess up and post your score in the message box when you've finished.