More 'friendly fire' in the North of Iraq claimed eight innocent lives, including the brother of some Kurdish leader or other and a BBC translator, today. British legend and national treasure, John Simpson, was also wounded by low flying shrapnel. The attack was, as always, undertaken by an American fighter pilot. "We were only obeying orders," the pilot said through his buckled yellow teeth. "We can't help it if our commander in chief is a smug-faced, cross-eyed chimpanzee."
Meanwhile American legend and international treasure...er...whatever his name is...the bloke from CNN who was embedded with the troops...is now embedded in a coffin. Apparently he died from some sort of thrombosis. Obviously in all the excitement he forgot to wear his anti-blood-clot stockings when climbing into his tank. It was an easy mistake to make...especially seeing as the commander in chief of the US troops is a smug-faced, cross-eyed chimpanzee.
American troops have left Baghdad again after a brief incursion yesterday. When asked why Sergeant Major Kowolski replied, "We took the wrong turning. It's an easy mistake to make when your commander in chief is a smug-faced, cross-eyed chimpanzee."
Yesterday British troops uncovered a warehouse full of Iraqi bodies. Some were in makeshift coffins. Others were in plastic bags. The White House immediately declared this as absolute proof that Saddam Hussein was a war criminal. On further examination, however, it became clear that most of the bodies were at least twelve years old. Most likely the warehouse was some sort of 'sorting office' for Iraqi corpses courtesy of the last Gulf War, so that the remains could be identified and returned to relatives. "It's an easy mistake to make," admitted Colon Powell later. "Especially when your commander in chief is a smug-faced, cross-eyed chimpanzee."
At the UN normal arguments have once more resumed, this time over proposals for a post-war Iraq. America has decided that it wants the UN to play no part in rebuilding the political structure of the country. Foreign powers, including the French, the Russians and the Krauts, have called Bush's decision a big mistake. "Well..." commented Kevin Koffi Anan. "What can you expect when the commander in chief is a smug-faced, cross-eyed chimpanzee?"
And finally, a man was captured on video camera this morning climbing into a cage and saluting a gorilla at Chester zoo. The man turned out to be an American tourist. (Fifty Iraqi Dollars for the first person who can find a suitable punchline.)
NO! NO! NO!
We, "Les Chimpanzees Sans Frontières Mais Avec les Grandes Derrières Rose" demand that the Rant of the Week withdraw all statements inferring that the current clear and presently dangerous Commander in Chief is in any way related to our members. Such specie-ist and specious comments are demeaning, insulting and visit no credit upon your publication.