Premature Ejaculation?

This on the queries log:

jonny wilkinson & wanker

To my knowledge Jonny has not yet had the (questionable) privilege of being personally congratulated by Phoney Bliar in front of a media photocall. Surely a missed opportunity Phoney Baloney will not allow to endure for too long?

Put on a frock, a bit of lippy and a pair of sensible shoes and stop the big dry getting you down.

'Fun guys' wanted for Miss Outback quest

The [ironically named] south-western Queensland town of Augathella is urging young men to join its Miss Outback quest.

The male-only competition is in its second year and organisers say they are looking for entrants who do not mind having fun and who are in touch with their feminine side.

Trisha Arden from the Augathella Cultural Association says it is hoped Miss Outback will provide some light relief from the severe drought in the region.

"It's not just the women suffering, it's the men, it's whole families and people really are looking to have a night out to just forget the drought," she said.

"It really lift people's spirits - last year people had something else to talk about for a little while - so I think that's what the issue here is, just having a little bit of fun."

I'm just not going to make a comment.

Another joke found on the internet this week that wasn't about Michael Jackson.

Tony Blair is attending his weekly briefing at Buck House. As he and the Queen sip their Earl Grey Phoney begins to speculate about what the UK should call itself if he and not the Queen should rule.
"It could still be called the United Kingdom I suppose," said Phoney.
The Queen looked at him over her glasses. "You are not a king so the word kingdom would no longer be appropriate," she replied in her stately voice.
"How about empire?" enquired Phoney.
The Queen shook her head. "No that won't do at all. You are not an emperor so you cannot rule an empire even if Britain still had one."
Phoney smiled the ingratiating, toothy smile he normally reserved for assuring people he wasn't a liar. "Then what would you suggest Ma'am?" he asked of the sovereign.
The Queen took another sip of tea. Then she fixed her Prime Minister with a shrewd stare and smiled faintly.
"I believe the term country would do very nicely," she replied.

A joke that I found on the internet this week that wasn't about Michael Jackson.

US Attorney General John Ashcroft was visiting an elementary school.
After 15 minutes speaking he says, “I will now answer any questions
you have.”

Bobby stands up and says: “I have four questions:
1. How did Bush win the election with fewer votes than Gore?
2. Why haven’t you caught Osama bin Laden?
3. Why are you using the American Patriot Act to limit civil liberties?
4. Where are the weapons of mass destruction in Iraq?”

Just then the bell goes off and the kids rushed out to play. Upon
returning, Mr. Ashcroft said: “I am sorry we were interrupted. I
will answer any questions you have.”

A little girl called Julie stands up and says: “I have six questions:
1. How did Bush win the election with fewer votes than Gore?
2. Why haven’t you caught Osama bin Laden?
3. Why are you using the American Patriot Act to limit civil liberties?
4. Where are the weapons of mass destruction in Iraq?
5. Why did the bell ring twenty minutes early?
6. Where’s Bobby?

Eng-a-land...Eng-a-land...

As the Soham murder trial continued at the Old Bailey yesterday, the jury were treated to Ian Huntley's version of events.
According to Huntley the girls had visited him on the evening of their disappearance, one of them complaining of a nose bleed. Being a good, kind-hearted soul, Huntley had led the girls up to the bathroom where he ever-so-slightly accidentally knocked one of the girls into a bath full of water. He had filled the bath in preparation for washing his dog, Trixie-licks.
It was only a tiny, accidental tap but enough to knock the schoolgirl unconscious and force her to somehow drown in an inch of bubblebath.
Unable to fish her friend out, presumably due to the fact that she'd swallowed four tons of lead before falling into the bathtub, the other girl began to scream. Huntley felt it necessary to stifle her sobs by ever-so-gently placing his hand across her mouth. And blow me...if she didn't suffercate!
Naturally seized with uncontrolable panic Huntley then cut off the girls' clothes with a pair of scissors (as you would) and drove their dead bodies down to the woods in the boot of his car before carefully dumping them.
On the way back three pixies leapt from the bushes and told him that he'd better not tell the truth to the police. The pixies then left on a very fat pig with small stubby wings known as Cecil.
Coh! What are the chances of that happening eh?

Elsewhere, Tony Blair has decided to conduct an, "I'm listening...no honest I am..." campaign. The idea is to allow the public to voice their opinions on what he should do to cheer them up in the future.
All together now...

Water Carry On

Three weeks ago I received a circular from the company that supplies water to my area. Included in the bumpf was a mention about the British Government’s intention to mass medicate British people with fluoride via the water supply. I was given the opportunity to record my opinion (which I did) with the assurance that the result of the poll would go to the relevant government office responsible for public health.
I opted for the online poll and made my feelings clear – for the sake of children’s teeth wouldn’t it be preferable to teach them oral hygiene rather than oral sex?
We are duly informed that fluoridation is harmless. It will prevent tooth decay and prevent diseases in later life.
Yeah, right.
What they don’t say is that the chemical they want to introduce to a population whose bodies are already under toxic attack from pollution in the environment is itself the by product of the aluminum and fertilizer industries.
Yes that’s right.
They want to dump an industrial pollutant in our water supply.
Phoney Bleugghh is very good at telling us what is good for us. He forces our kids to have the MMR vaccine or nothing at all. We are still awaiting confirmation that young Leo has been vaccinated but Bleugghh is keeping annoyingly schtum thus fuelling speculation that Leo has not had the jab the courts have shamefully foisted on at least two children despite their mothers objections. A growing number of parents are now risking the health of their children in fear that the MMR vaccine has the potential to do worse damage.
Then there is Tone’s unhealthy obsession with GM crops. Fortunately things are not going his way at the moment. Even his pet experts have to admit that the commercial introduction of GM crops in Britain will result in widespread pollen pollution. Lovely!!!!
Now he wants us all to take our medicine even if we don’t want it. Fluoridation appears to be a nice little scam to get people to pay for the disposal of a poisonous and, in many cases carcinogenic, industrial waste via our water supply. Obviously this is what the bastard is talking about when he tells us of his commitment to clean up the environment.
Fluoridation is intended to strengthen the enamel of children’s teeth. Fluoride toothpastes are designed for the same job and, yes you’ve guessed it – the fluoride is the same byproduct of industrial processes and not the pure stuff most of us think has been clinically concocted in some pristine lab.
While fluoride is initially good for strengthening the enamel of children’s teeth it is also associated with:

Thyroid cancers and other cancers

Dental and skeletal fluorosis – irreparable damage to teeth and bones through the ingestion of excess fluoride – there is also fluoride in many process foods so how the hell do you restrict the dose?

Arthritis

Alzheimer’s Disease. Fluoride from the aluminium industry all too readily absorbs aluminium and other nasty metals linked with this appalling condition. It is not purified before being sold as a "harmless" additive to water.

The list goes on but I think that by now you get the gist of what Tone wants for us. Fluoride is also an active ingredient in Fluoxetine (Prozac) which has a tendency to turn otherwise normal people into happy, vacant zombies. And the laugh is we are told that bottled natural mineral water is bad for us because of the (usually harmless) bacteria found swimming in it. The Dental Association is concerned that children who drink mineral water instead of fizzy pop are at risk of dental decay because they are not taking in enough fluoride. I rather thought that not drinking fizzy pop is itself a protection against dental decay. What I say is fuck the experts who are promoting mass medication in the face of scientific research that links fluoride with life threatening illnesses. As for me, I’ll take the germs over Phoney every time.

Pink Revolution Latest!!!

“We caught them in flagrante delicto,” said Constable Quentin Spiderpoke of London’s Thought Police, Lavender Hill Division. “When Colin Straightbloke was ordained as Bishop of Battersea we just knew it would only be a matter of time before we caught him officiating over a bi-sex marriage. He has now been taken to Greek Street HQ where he will be given a thorough probing. ”
“It’s disgusting,” said Assistant Commissioner Brenda Beanflicker. “An affront to our politically correct minority sensibilities. We won a seminal victory when the word “marriage” was finally expunged from government records and documents. Then it was a positive step forward when hetero marriage was no longer recognized in British law and having the word marriage removed from the dictionary was the icing on the fairy cake. Personally, I don’t think I can ever rest until heterosexual relationships are outlawed entirely and children conceived by artificial insemination. Maybe psychiatry can help these poor deluded non-gay souls.”
Bishop Straightbloke last week organized the protest supporting the cause of disenfranchised straight couples and their children. Millions marched On Downing Street to protest the decision of Prime Minister Tony Bleugghh’s government to wage war on old fashioned Christian values and bi-sex family units other than his own. Unfortunately the PM wasn't at home. He remembered, at the last minute, he was scheduled to hold talks with a delegation of Welsh and Yorkshire farmers in the north of England who are seeking to give sheep equal legal status on a parity with sponges and gusset typists.
Yesterday Bishop Straightbloke was determined to free his millions strong flock from what he describes as the oppression of politically correct “pink Nazi” minorities. “I’ll be buggered if I give up,” he said grimly.