As the Soham murder trial continued at the Old Bailey yesterday, the jury were treated to Ian Huntley's version of events.
According to Huntley the girls had visited him on the evening of their disappearance, one of them complaining of a nose bleed. Being a good, kind-hearted soul, Huntley had led the girls up to the bathroom where he ever-so-slightly accidentally knocked one of the girls into a bath full of water. He had filled the bath in preparation for washing his dog, Trixie-licks.
It was only a tiny, accidental tap but enough to knock the schoolgirl unconscious and force her to somehow drown in an inch of bubblebath.
Unable to fish her friend out, presumably due to the fact that she'd swallowed four tons of lead before falling into the bathtub, the other girl began to scream. Huntley felt it necessary to stifle her sobs by ever-so-gently placing his hand across her mouth. And blow me...if she didn't suffercate!
Naturally seized with uncontrolable panic Huntley then cut off the girls' clothes with a pair of scissors (as you would) and drove their dead bodies down to the woods in the boot of his car before carefully dumping them.
On the way back three pixies leapt from the bushes and told him that he'd better not tell the truth to the police. The pixies then left on a very fat pig with small stubby wings known as Cecil.
Coh! What are the chances of that happening eh?
Elsewhere, Tony Blair has decided to conduct an, "I'm listening...no honest I am..." campaign. The idea is to allow the public to voice their opinions on what he should do to cheer them up in the future.
All together now...