American marines were attacked today by a jeep full of extremely dangerous women and children leaving Jafacake in the South of Iraq. "We had to do something," explained a wild-eyed Sergeant Bungalow Bill injecting pure coffee into his arm. "One of the babies was smiling at us in a threatening manner. We fired a warning shot into the chin of the driver but she just slumped over the wheel and kept on coming. So we had to bombard the whole lot of 'em with cruise missiles."
"It's a tragic incident," admitted Colonel John Wayne of the US Cavalry. "But you have to remember Americans are still jittery after September 11th. Most of the army was housed in the World Trade Centre at the time so it affected them deeply. All that crashing masonry is still reverberating in their trigger fingers. And if women, kiddies, journalists and British troops keep getting in their way there's no other option but to act heroically and, with a bit of luck, win an Oscar in the process."

In Washington Donald Rumsfeld has blamed the recent 'military pause' on the Iraqis having sold them a 'broken war.'
"Typical of the scheming brown bastards," Rumsfeld said whilst polishing his Uzi 9mm. "We didn't realise until the end of the first week that the war had a scratch on it. That's why we just kept going round in circles. We've captured Umm Qasr and Bhahsrhah sixteen times now and killed the same group of British soldiers more often than we'd care to admit. However, we've finally managed to clear the problem and are now making excellent progress...ent progress...ent progress..."

Home Spun Philosophy of the Week!

People who say that we're fighting this war for democracy are dead wrong. War is always an inexcusable catalyst for the systematic removal of human rights. Laws are introduced for the apparent safety of civilians and are seldom revoked once wars are concluded. People who speak out against war...despite peer group pressure, despite political backlash, despite popular opinion...those are the people who are keeping the valves of democracy open. Much against common belief, politicians don't make democracies. People do. Waging war in defence of democracy is as much a misnomer as bombing for peace or getting rich to help the needy. Now is the time to speak out loudest against this conflict before the freedom we're allegedly defending becomes so much collateral damage.
Sorry for the interruption to normal scheduling. And now it's back to the usual knob and fart jokes.

Mmmmm ... maybe my big yellow box of mass friendly fire was not all my fault. Blogger seems to be having as little luck with its bugs as the Crusade is having with picking who's for us and who's agin us. In the last hour these two pages have purported to be the Rant of the Week. (Without the HTML having left my hands at any stage.) Other evil bloggers have been disguising themselves as simple village Ranters and blowing up our blog. More "Shock and Awe" over this way please Tommy.





Notwithstanding all that, the search for knowledge that might be contained within the walls of this Blog continues unabated ...

overweight hairy males produce
condoleza rice biography OR husba
2003 email address guess book in dubai via saudi
retrocrush
muslims "anti british" whores
bibble 2002 serial number
men in frilly aprons jpg
"the chick was in the way"
"The+american+way+can+be+dangerous"
semen donate in manchester
prize bellend
Not sure whether the last two are related ... perhaps they are just good friends.

Cosgrove 'disappointed' WMD not yet found

Chief of the Australian Defence Force Peter Cosgrove says he is disappointed weapons of mass destruction (WMD) have not yet been found in Iraq.

General Cosgrove says coalition leaders have always anticipated a range of possibilities in conflict and maintains the war plan is on track.

As for weapons of mass destruction, he says Saddam Hussein has had many opportunities to hide them away.

"Yes of course [I'm] disappointed because it would have been lovely to have crossed the border from Kuwait and stumble over the first bunker, full of WMD, [I'm] disappointed but really that was hardly likely," he said.

Sorry about that Pete old cobber. Really, I am sorry for your loss, but that's showbiz. Maybe next time, but at least the war plan is on track. (Mantra, mantra, mantra.)

Seven civilians killed at US checkpoint

United States troops have opened fire on a civilian vehicle at a military checkpoint in southern Iraq, killing seven people and wounding two.

Navy Lieutenant Commander Charles Owens says the shooting occurred at a checkpoint at Najaf, 150 kilometres south of Baghdad.

He says the victims, women and children, were in a vehicle which failed to stop despite repeated warning shots fired by US troops.

Four other people in the vehicle escaped unharmed.

"As a last resort, they fired into the passenger compartment of the vehicle," Lt Cdr Owens said at US Central Command's forward planning base.

"When soldiers opened the vehicle they found 13 women and children inside. Seven of the occupants were dead, two were wounded and four were unharmed."

Lt Cdr Owens says the military has opened an investigation into the incident and is trying to find out if any of the car's occupants were hurt before the troops opened fire.

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This sort of thing seriously pisses me off. I find nowt amusing about it at all. A "vehicle which failed to stop despite repeated warning shots fired by US troops". Bugger me! Is it the slightest bit possible that they were shit scared and thought that they were under attack? Given the number of civilians already "pacified" you couldn't blame them and despite the aspirations of the Primate it is still their fucking country for Godsake!

What really shits me is the weasel clause statement, "the military has opened an investigation into the incident and is trying to find out if any of the car's occupants were hurt before the troops opened fire"

Right! Fatima had a blistered toe, Ahmed had a splinter in his thumb and Wassim had a skinned knee. "See! We couldn't have killed them! Probably died of gangrene or septicaemia." Bullshit, killed by septics.

Typical it seems ... umpteen killed in a market place and it's "let's not discount the possibility that it was a misguided Iraq missile". Weasel, weasel, weasel. Seems to me that the Amerkins have a mortgage on inflicting death by misguided missiles if the tally of dead Brits is anything to go by.

Truly putrid stuff!

This sort of thing SO brings back memories of living through the Vietnam fiasco. Day after day innocent women and children were killed by shit scared and paranoid soldiers because there was credible evidence that the villagers might have Sherman tanks hidden away in their babies' nappies.

I'm sure this dirty little adventure has its own My Lai massacre just waiting to happen ... or to be uncovered.

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Again! Same old, same old.

Meanwhile US Marines say they have shot dead an unarmed Iraqi who drove his pickup truck at speed towards a checkpoint they were manning outside the southern town of Shatra.

They riddled his white truck with bullets after it sped towards their roadblock on the main highway near Nasiriya, apparently oblivious to barbed wire strewn across the road.

His passenger was badly wounded.

Marines have told a correspondent at the scene the truck was not loaded and neither of the men was in uniform or armed.

"I thought it was a suicide bomb," said one of the servicemen who fired on the vehicle.

Editor's note: The total bugger up in the Rant of the Week communications system has, hopefully, now been cleared. The posting above these words resulted in a huge yellow box wiping out the rest of the board. Fortunately the First Thunderbolt & Lightfoot Engineers were on standby. Following many tense hours of what the army would call a 'botched job' they have finally sorted the mess that Deputy Editor Sedgwick's friendly fire created...albeit in a paired down manner. Apologies for the inconvenience. We will now return you to an evening of Saddam's Greatest Hits.

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Deputy Editor apologises must humbly. In my defence, the posting was hunky dory on my machine. I can only assume that the censorious shadow of the Department of Blogland Security was cast over my offering. I have removed the offensive offending article from the board but it can be seen in all it's pointless incisive glory here ... did you get that ... HERE!

WAR GOES BADLY

RATINGS DROP DRAMATICALLY

CNN CALLS EMERGENCY MEETING.

"Chairman of CNN Bruce Rumsfeld ("No relation other than that the other guy is my brother") convened an emergency meeting today at CNN headquarters in Las Vegas.

Addressing the Board of Directors compromising comprising Chuck Rumsfeld, Billy Joe Bob Rumsfeld, Eugene Rumsfeld and Jebediah ("No relation at all to my dad Dick") Cheney and the staff of CNN Mr. Rumsfeld said, "Gentlemen we have the Mother of all crises on our hands and we are going to have to make changes ... "

One more time ... full gory details here.

Footnote and fine quote ... "You can forget any semblance of journalism from Mr Murdoch's Fox News because it is so far embedded that its performance is positively unhygenic".

I'm still in me cellar. I've jammed me chamber pot on me 'ead for protection and I've fastened me kitchen knife t' the end of a broom 'andle. So any Paqi what comes sniffin' round 'ere tryin' t' get 'is 'ands in me drawers 'ull find out what it's like t' be a loaf of Hovis!
I've bin watchin' this war on me gramaphone an' it's turnin' out t' be a right dirty affair. The language is filthy! It's these sand wogs what are t' blame! There's shi'ites in ba'ath-tubs in a town called Bahstard and another town called Faghag, 'scuse my Twatenese. There's skud marks all over Quim Cattah an' even their leader's called Madame Sadism. That's one o' those oriental whip bitches that is! One of those women what tie men up by their vestibules an' whack 'em with 'orse croppers. And they bugger sheep, an' all, an' give 'em humanitarian AIDs, 'scuse my Bangkok!
Our Brian reckons I've got it wrong. I was talkin' to 'im through the grating ont' the street the other day an' 'ee says t' me, "That's just insinuendos, Grandma. You've got y'r radiogram stuck between the war coverage an' the Archers!"
'Ee doesn't know nowt, that 'un! I told 'im t' get me 'alf a pound o' fish an' some heffalump ointment for me delicate problem from the green grocers. An' I told 'im t' keep 'is nose out of things what don't concern 'im an' all! Bloomin' youth! I'm an 'undred an' thirty-seventy y' know? An' I didn't survive this long without knowin' that the only good wog is a white one!

This one's for Mr Cooper. The original letter was doing the rounds of the administration offices in the MoD. It didn't scan very well when I tried it, so I've copied it out by hand for your viewing pleasure:

SECRETARY of STATE for DEFENCE
Notification of Compulsory Enlistement
Under the Emergency Powers Act (1939) as amended by the Defence Act (1978), you are hereby notified that you are required to place yourself on standby for possible compulsory military service in the Iraq Conflict.
You may shortly be ordered to depart for the Middle East where you will either join the Third Battalion, The Queen's Own Suicide Conscripts or the Second Foot and Mouth.
Due to the recent rundown of the Navy and the refusal of P&O to lend us any of its liners, because of what it claims was due to the deplorable state in which they were returned after the Falklands adventure, it will be necessary for you to make your own way to the combat zone. HM Government has been able to negotiate a 20% discount on one-way trips with Virgin Airlines and you are strongly urged to take advantage of this offer.
Because of cutbacks in Government expenditure in recent years it will be necessary for you to provide yourself with the following equipment as soon as possible:
* Combat Jacket
* Trousers (preferably khaki - but please no denim)
* Tin helmet
* Boots (or a pair of sturdy trainers)
* Gas mask
* Map of the combat zone (the ordnance survey 1:2800 Outdoor Leisure Map of Iraq will do)
* Rifle
* Ammunition (preferably to suit previous item)
* Suntan oil
If you are in a position to afford it, we would like you to buy a tank. (Vickers Defence of Banbury is currently offering all new conscripts a 0% finance deal on all X Registration Cheiftans, but hurry, as the offer is only available whilst stocks last.)
We would like to reassure you that, in the unlikely event of anything going wrong, you will receive a free burial in the graveyard of your choice and your next of kin will be entitled to the new War Widows Pension of GBP1.75 per calendar month, index-linked but subject to means testing, and fully repayable should our side eventually lose.
There may be little time for formal military training before your departure and so we advise that you hire videos of the following films and try and pick up a few tips as you watch:
* The Guns of Navarone
* Kelly's Heroes
* A Bridge Too Far
* The Longest Day
* Apocalypse Now
* The Matrix
* Blazing Saddles
* The Desert Song
* Mary Poppins
We do not recommend that you watch Khartoum.
To prepare yourself mentally for your mission try reading the works of Wilfred Owen or Rupert Brooke. This should give you some idea of what may be involved.
Yours faithfully,
Geoffrey Hoon, Secretary of State for Defence.
A Bush - Blair Production
Sponsored by Mars, Pepsi and McDonalds. The Official Snacks of World War III

With thousands of troops crossing the Iraqi border and heading for Baghdad, Colon Powell has issued Syria a stern warning: "Either keep out of the war or face the consequences." Far be it from me to point out the seriousness of the situation, but if Syria gets dragged into this conflict it's only a short hop, skip and a jump before World War III (This Time it's Personal) breaks out big time. Muslims Vs Christians...all of them self-righteous, zealous, murdering bastards. Nuke 'em High in the name of Allah/Jesus/Democracy/Islam/Bush/Blair/Saddam/Fucked-Up Knobheads. Please place your heads between your knees and kiss your arseholes goodnight.
Any gung-ho pro-war supporters out there starting to have serious doubts about this lot yet?