American marines were attacked today by a jeep full of extremely dangerous women and children leaving Jafacake in the South of Iraq. "We had to do something," explained a wild-eyed Sergeant Bungalow Bill injecting pure coffee into his arm. "One of the babies was smiling at us in a threatening manner. We fired a warning shot into the chin of the driver but she just slumped over the wheel and kept on coming. So we had to bombard the whole lot of 'em with cruise missiles."
"It's a tragic incident," admitted Colonel John Wayne of the US Cavalry. "But you have to remember Americans are still jittery after September 11th. Most of the army was housed in the World Trade Centre at the time so it affected them deeply. All that crashing masonry is still reverberating in their trigger fingers. And if women, kiddies, journalists and British troops keep getting in their way there's no other option but to act heroically and, with a bit of luck, win an Oscar in the process."
In Washington Donald Rumsfeld has blamed the recent 'military pause' on the Iraqis having sold them a 'broken war.'
"Typical of the scheming brown bastards," Rumsfeld said whilst polishing his Uzi 9mm. "We didn't realise until the end of the first week that the war had a scratch on it. That's why we just kept going round in circles. We've captured Umm Qasr and Bhahsrhah sixteen times now and killed the same group of British soldiers more often than we'd care to admit. However, we've finally managed to clear the problem and are now making excellent progress...ent progress...ent progress..."
People who say that we're fighting this war for democracy are dead wrong. War is always an inexcusable catalyst for the systematic removal of human rights. Laws are introduced for the apparent safety of civilians and are seldom revoked once wars are concluded. People who speak out against war...despite peer group pressure, despite political backlash, despite popular opinion...those are the people who are keeping the valves of democracy open. Much against common belief, politicians don't make democracies. People do. Waging war in defence of democracy is as much a misnomer as bombing for peace or getting rich to help the needy. Now is the time to speak out loudest against this conflict before the freedom we're allegedly defending becomes so much collateral damage.
Sorry for the interruption to normal scheduling. And now it's back to the usual knob and fart jokes.