Why go to Mars?

Though I can not reveal my source for this incredible information, I felt compelled to reveal to the millions of visitors to this website the real reason that American President George W. Bush is pushing for manned missions to Mars. According to Professor Gwelix of the University of Boston Albuquerque Campus, NASA is working hand in hand with the Vatican, and by orders of The Pope must begin sending real live people, specifically Catholic Priests, to Mars. Professor Gwelix worked hard to confirm rumors that The Pope believes Jesus now lives on Mars because of a theory that the Red Planet is actually the secret location of Heaven, and if we can find Jesus there, then we can maybe coax him to introduce us to God himself. This rumor proved false, however, with Vatican Spokesmen strictly denying that they ever believed Mars to be the location of Heaven. The Vatican wants to make it very clear that they do not believe Heaven could possibly exist on another planet because they are still pissed at Astronomers like Copernicus and Gallileo for ruining the idea that Earth is the only planet in The Universe.

Upon further investigation, Professor Gwelix is now working to confirm a new theory that the reason Catholic priests want so much to go to Mars is more for vacationing reasons. While vacationing on the Red Planet, priests will be free from all behavioral restrictions they live under on Earth, as Vatican Law does not reach beyond the boundries of Planet Earth. Professor Gwelix has found plans for the construction of a resort on Mars for vacationing Catholic Priests that will be regularly stocked with 14-year-old homosexual boys.

I would like to point out that, at the start of this post, I mentioned that I could not reveal my source for this amazing information, then proceeded to mention a Professor Gwelix of the University of Boston Albuquerque Campus. Please forget that I ever mentioned this man's name.

John Howard, Prime Minister of Australia, Man of Steel and owner of a very nice cardy.

... then there was this cryptic bit of spam

STILL NO LUCK ENRGAILNG IT?

Our 2 pcodruts will work for you!

1. #1 Suplpeemnt avialbale! - Works!
ETNER HERE

and

2. *New* Enhancement Oil - Get hrad in 60 scneods! Amzaing!
Lkie no ohter oil you've seen.
ENETR HERE

the 2 pdruocts work gerat totgeher

Just passing through...as the turd said to the string underpants.

It's become a bit dusty round these parts recently. (Personally I blame Sedgwick for shooting his crusty old load all over those photographs of Steve Irwin below.) But archaeology, diets and whisky by the bucket have been keeping me busy. Anyhow, I just thought I'd drop by and check on how things were going...or 'not' as the case might be. Since not being bothered to write a single word for this board after Christmas 2003, our viewing figures have dropped to twenty a day. Exactly the same as they were when I was composing fifty-thousand word essays every day for the damned thing, which just goes to show what a waste of time that was.
So I'm off again for another six months. I shall leave you with these words of wisdom: The expression 'If you haven't got anything nice to say don't say anything at all' lies at the root of totalitarianism.
TTFN

Out of the mouths of babes, crocs and dickheads.

Crikey, every man and his blue heeler has had a bite of this one. Figured I might as well dangle my thoughts out as well. (No children or other animals were harmed in the making of this posting.)

The Australian "crocodile hunter" Steve Irwin has sparked outrage because he dangled his baby son in front of a 13ft crocodile's jaws.

The television celebrity, famous for picking up poisonous snakes and wrestling with huge reptiles for the cameras, brought his month-old baby into an enclosure during a public show at the Australian Zoo reptile park in Queensland. He held the child, called Robert, in one arm while using his other to hold a dead chicken in front of the crocodile, named Murray.



Irwin was unrepentant: "I was in complete control of the crocodile. Robert was tucked right in my arm. This kid has to grow up to be croc savvy. I am teaching him to be completely familiar with crocodiles."

Wife Terri also came to Mr Irwin's defence claiming it was a parent's duty to educate children against the dangers of tropical life.

"Children learn to swim at an early age. Would you rather have a child learning to swim under duress or to have them drown?," she said. "Children need to be taught the dangers of crocodiles."

Evidence would suggest that Steve Irwin had a frontal lobotomy immediately after his birth. Sadly a swift and sure vasectomy did not immediately follow.

Not to put too fine a point on it Steve is a prize goose. This fine upstanding Aussie icon much beloved of Dubbya dickhead is to parenting what Herod was to the 'Stranger Danger' campaign.

Right Steve, it is essential to teach young Bob about the dangers of the big bad backpacker eating crocodiles. I'm sure that he was taking in your every warning word, making relevant notes on his Palm Pilot and texting your bon mots to every one of his one month old peers.

Yes Steve, it is wise to teach children about danger. I remember doing it with my child. I don't remember doing in front of a large crowd of camera toting, fee paying tourists at my workplace. I don't remember using my child as a prop for my circus act.

O.K. Mrs. Steve I would rather have a child learning to swim under duress than have it drown. Better still I'd rather have it eaten by a crocodile. Crikey, that'd teach it. By the livin' jingoes it wouldn't do anything careless ever again!

Poor old Steve is a bit pissed off at the treatment he is copping from the media. Steve has happily sucked on the bountiful and nurturing nipple of the media in recent years. Tough titty Steve if the media then turns all Lady Macbeth turn my milk into gall on you. The media is reptilian by nature Steve. Didn't your dad ever tell you "never smile at crocodiles" ... and never hop into bed with them without using protection.

Speaking on Channel Nine's A Current Affair, Mr Irwin says he did it to help his child become more familiar with the environment he lives in.

"What I would do differently is I would make sure that there was no cameras around," he said. "But unfortunately you're under the microscope and I can't escape cameras."

Gee whiz Steve, you didn't know that all those tourists what bought tickets to your performance would be taking pictures did you? I've never heard of that happening before.

From David Salmon Producer/Reporter Seven News - Brisbane. "Australia Zoo put out a media alert on Friday morning (Jan 2) advising the arrival of three elephants to the zoo, along with some Tibetan nuns, and the Croc Hunter. Believing that such a grouping could provide some interesting pics we decided to take a look for a possible colour story. Our Seven Queensland crew did a great job in recognising the potential of the yarn while still at the zoo, at what was a media event called by the croc-hunter himself!"

What was that Steve said again? "But unfortunately you're under the microscope and I can't escape cameras."

By the living Jiminy Crickets Steve, looks like you were desperately trying to hide your light under a microscopic bushel and then out of the blue along came all those bloody stickybeak Channel Seven media types what ambushed you good and proper. What bastards, Steve!

"I will continue to educate my children and the children of the world so that they don't share water with crocs, that's the most important thing," he said. "That's why I was put on this planet, that's why God built me and put me on this earth, is to show people how to avoid conflict with animals that can kill you."

Good thinking Steve, but the most important thing you could do is to make sure that your own child doesn't share centre stage with his dad ... and probably not during the croc feeding part of the show.

As anyone who has a dog knows, it isn't exactly wise to go near the animal when its eating its food. I know from my own experience that if a waiter comes too close to my table when I'm tucking into a delicious "Canard a la Montmorency" he can expect a pretty conflictful nip on the ankle.

Sounds to me like Steve is trying to avoid conflict with media what can kill your image and career.

Look here Steve, I like a succulently sauteed infant in chasseur sauce as much as the next Aussie icon, but I dont pass off my gluttonous epicurean indulgence as Self Preservation 101 for Neonates. "Bobby, don't you go too close to Nigella's lovely busty substances lest she grabs you by the scruff of the neck, skins you, bones you, lightly coats you in seasoned flour and pops you in a preheated oven for 20 minutes, turning regularly."

Poor ole Steve. Why can't people leave him alone and treat him like any other common or garden millionaire in the street. (Oops, sorry! I forgot that's not currently P.C. ... tall iconic poppies and all that.)

Have to admit that I am really a bit torn on this issue. As Granny Biddy Stickynose I think Irwin was an absolute goose for this stunt. On the other hand I really do want Steve to keep dangling his offspring in front of 14 foot crocs thereby allowing the process of natural selection to proceed apace. With any luck, all Irwins would all end up as petit fours for reptiles. Crikey a world without feral Irwins sounds a pretty good place to me by jingoes golly gosh.

I lay before you evidence which might be offered as a defence against any charges that might be laid by the relevant legal authorities.

"In front of us right now is the greatest leader Australia has ever had and the greatest leader in the world," Mr Irwin told the audience at Australia Zoo, north of Brisbane. "




"Not guilty by reason of insanity, your Honour. "

Crikey, you just couldn't get a good reliable frontal lobotomy back in those days.

BTW Steve, I gather there's an orphan kiddy by name of Annie Borden currently up for adoption. I'm sure she'd be more than pleased to teach you and Mrs. Icon a thing or two about the dangers of sharp chopping instruments.

Pre-New Year Guff...

Bob Monkhouse, last of the orange-faced Great British Comics (and no I'm not including Des O'Conner in that statement who, despite having the obligatory perma-tan head, is about as much of a humorous comic as Zit Magazine was), one-time cartoonist and legendary smarmball has died aged 75. No Americans were involved.

An estimated 25,000 people have been killed in the Iranian earthquake. Fortunately the U.S. Government haven't deemed this a great enough tragedy to warrant another one of their bile-spewing feel-good concerts. The ancient world heritage town of Wham-Bam has been completely destroyed in the quake and a further 40,000 residents have been left homeless. No Americans were involved...apparently.

Michael Jackson claims that the police beat him up in custardy, displaying the bruises on his arm as proof. To be honest his arm's that thin and twisted just grabbing him with cotton wool would have had the same effect. No human beings were involved.

And finally I'm starting my New Year's drinking binge early, building up to a huge party on New Year's Eve followed by projectile vommitting on Thursday morning. You can rest assured that no Americans will be involved.

Festive Reindeer Droppings!

Bah humbug, Christmas bollocks, sweaty aggressive shoppers, cold rain, slush, sneezes, dribbles, dead turkeys, crap presents, rubbish telly... Jesus Harold Corbett, I can't be arsed with this one!
Christmas is way too obvious a target and festive rants have become almost a tradition now. If you're stupid enough to be manipulated by this crass comercialised bullshit (and you are...we all fucking are without exception) then it's hardly surprising that the war in Iraq happened, that Blair continues as head bastard and that Bush's plot to bring the Book of Revelation to life is allowed to go on. We're all weak and spineless and crap. We moan, we groan, we complain and we whinge and yet we continue, we decorate, we eat sprouts and fight queues and all the while we're saying, "It's for the children really," whilst thinking, "Actually it's all for the fucking economy" whilst trying to ignore that really it's "All because we haven't got the balls to humbugger the whole bastard thing and call it quits."
So happy Christmas folks. I'm off to prop up the Scottish alcohol industry until New Year.

Even more Bull's Gonads

"The American Soldier" has been named Time magazine's "person of the year".

The weekly magazine says it is using the term broadly to include men and women in all branches of the US armed forces.

The editor of Time magazine, Nancy Gibbs, says US Defence Secretary Donald Rumsfeld suggested the choice when Time editors met him at the Pentagon in November.


"They swept across Iraq and conquered it in 21 days. (!? ... seems like both "Time" and GWB suffer from nationalistic priapism and premature ejaculation.) They stand guard on streets pot-holed with skepticism and rancor. They caught Saddam Hussein. They are the face of America, its might and good will, in a region unused to democracy. The U.S. G.I. is TIME's Person of the Year ."

Amidst this crock of patriotic hyperbole from Time (what has outed itself as the publishing arm of the US Department of Defence) I'm surprised that no mention of The American Soldier being faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive and possessing the ability to leap tall buildings in a single bound.

"The American solider was represented on the cover of Time by three helmeted and uniformed soldiers from an artillery survey unit of the US Army's 1st Armored Division nicknamed the "Tomb Raiders" after being assigned the task of searching for weapons in a Baghdad cemetery."

Seems odd to select the "Tomb Raiders" who seem to have been monumentally unsuccessful in their grave task of finding the legendary WMDs. Then again maybe Time has discovered that weapon which has always eluded the Americans ... irony.