Monday, January 26, 2004

Why go to Mars?

Though I can not reveal my source for this incredible information, I felt compelled to reveal to the millions of visitors to this website the real reason that American President George W. Bush is pushing for manned missions to Mars. According to Professor Gwelix of the University of Boston Albuquerque Campus, NASA is working hand in hand with the Vatican, and by orders of The Pope must begin sending real live people, specifically Catholic Priests, to Mars. Professor Gwelix worked hard to confirm rumors that The Pope believes Jesus now lives on Mars because of a theory that the Red Planet is actually the secret location of Heaven, and if we can find Jesus there, then we can maybe coax him to introduce us to God himself. This rumor proved false, however, with Vatican Spokesmen strictly denying that they ever believed Mars to be the location of Heaven. The Vatican wants to make it very clear that they do not believe Heaven could possibly exist on another planet because they are still pissed at Astronomers like Copernicus and Gallileo for ruining the idea that Earth is the only planet in The Universe.

Upon further investigation, Professor Gwelix is now working to confirm a new theory that the reason Catholic priests want so much to go to Mars is more for vacationing reasons. While vacationing on the Red Planet, priests will be free from all behavioral restrictions they live under on Earth, as Vatican Law does not reach beyond the boundries of Planet Earth. Professor Gwelix has found plans for the construction of a resort on Mars for vacationing Catholic Priests that will be regularly stocked with 14-year-old homosexual boys.

I would like to point out that, at the start of this post, I mentioned that I could not reveal my source for this amazing information, then proceeded to mention a Professor Gwelix of the University of Boston Albuquerque Campus. Please forget that I ever mentioned this man's name.