Friendly Advice for British Kids this Autumn!

1) If you insist on celebrating the American tradition of Trick or Treats then at least try to make an effort. Sticking your balaclava on back-to-front does not constitute a Halloween costume. As a result the only thing you'll be likely to get off me is a black eye. Also, at least get off your pushbikes before you knock on my door you lazy little gits.

2) Halloween doesn't take place until October 31st. No matter how many times you call at my house in one night I will not be buying any sweets until at least October 30th so don't bother annoying me. The same goes for Guy Fawkes Night so stop letting your fireworks off down the back alley or I'll be forced to connect my hosepipe up to the tap in the garden and give you all a thorough drenching.

3) I will not donate a 'Penny to the Guy' if said Guy is just a child sat in a shop doorway wearing a back-to-front balaclava. The only thing I'm likely to donate under such circumstances is a kick.

4) Be warned in advance...if you do visit my house on October 31st I have balanced a bucket of offal above my front door. I'll give you Trick or Treat you opportunist little bastards.

5) If you insist on lighting bangers in the cafe at least make sure that they're securely held between your teeth.

6) And remember kids, lighting fireworks CAN be fun. Just always make sure that the fireworks, once lit, are placed in a glass bottle and the lid is tightly screwed down. Don't stand more than three feet away from said bottle and, if wearing glasses, remove them.

Autumn! It's a great time for kids to be tucked up in hospital where they belong!