Monday, March 10, 2003

Clare Short has threatened to resign her post as the ugliest woman in the British Cabinet...leaving the position wide open (along with Robin Cook's legs) for Margaret Beckett to gallop straight into with her teeth akimbo...if Tony Blair wages war on Iraq without a second UN resolution and/or a pay increase and an extra bucket of chips every month. The bid for publicity blow for the facially disabled came on a Radio 4 programme yesterday (which is why nobody actually heard it) and speculation is rife as to whether any more ministers will resign their £50,000 a year seats. (Haven't heard much clamouring amongst the New Labour pacifists in this direction's amazing how quickly consciences take a back seat when stupendous wages are at stake.)

The British press, more normally found scouring the foetid gutters and waste disposal pipes of the talentless but famous, naturally want to know why Uncle Tony hasn't sacked his gargoylic minister yet. Apart from the obvious fact that he doesn't want to be seen as any more totalitarian than he already is (is that actually possible?) the truth is that George W Fishy-Bush has current control of Tony's balls. The American president is believed to be using them in a game of bar-skittles with Donald Duck Bums-felt.

With the UN split, most of Europe against him, most of Britain against him, most of his party against him, the Archbishop of Canterbury, the Pope and Jesus against him...and now with cabinet ministers threatening to resign if he doesn't bare his arse in Burton's windows and poke George Fanny repeatedly in the jap's eye...Tony Blair looks set to be dethroned. (Surely not...God said he wouldn't interfere in the lives of men again, didn't he?)

Michael Portillo (slug impersonator and Tory Whip fondler) has already put in a leadership bid, but the most probable replacement would be Gordon 'Glass Eye' Brown. (My woife's a big fan of his, yessiree!) Under no circumstances must this happen! For shit's sake's people...don't let Clare 'my head is like a lump of suet that should have been put out to stud years ago' Short pave the way for Fatfuqua Brown to take charge of the country. Vote Diane Abbott for Prime Minister now! Start marches! Spearhead campaigns! No more ugly, retarded bastards in government!

Other news and motorcycling guru and seventies teen-idol Barry Sheen has lost his fight against Cancer. Said a spokesperson for ITV's Celebrity Boxing, "That's the last time we'll be organising one of these bouts. It was one thing to see Les Dennis and Bob Mortimer kicking ten buckets of shit out of each other...they've still got plenty of it left. But to put an obviously sick man up against of Granada's steroid abusing Gladiators...was a travesty of justice and very poor entertainment."

Apart from that Mrs did you enjoy the show?

Meanwhile the countdown to war continues with less than fourteen shopping days left before the price of oil, camel fat and tea towels go through the roof.