This week we've had quite a mixed bag of letters. Unfortunately most of them were worded exactly the same but sent with different e-mail addresses. So, for the sake of brevity, let's just read a few at random.
Firstly an e-mail from Randy Granny Potter who writes to tell us that 'children say the funniest things'. Last week her three year old grand daughter was sitting in front of the Playstation when she suddenly yelled, "Fuck off you cunt!" "At first we were shocked," admitted Granny. "But later we saw the funny side." Same here Granny. You've won our STAR LETTER of the WEEK. A copy of the Feral Eye Cartoon Collection is on it's way to you as I type.
Next up, our runner-up prize of two Feral Eye Cartoon Collection books, has been sent to ff#Andy456FGH@Yahoo.com wants to know if I'm going to subscribe to 'Septic Tanks Monthly'? Well, ff#Andy456FGH...to put it simply, no. We might be a bit behind the times here in Fleetwood but we do actually have a sewerage system. Thanks for the offer anyhow.
Now we come on to HHH*#nfjjjjRobertKfirstname.lastname@example.org who, apparently, also goes under the name of Benjamin Satali and is the general manager of the First Sudanese Bank. He was wondering if I'd be interested in helping him look after $30,000,000.00 and could I kindly send him my bank account number so that he can deposit it there straight away? Naturally, being an obliging sort of person with the interests of Third World at heart, I have sent him my details and look forward to seeing my coffers swell.
Speaking of swelling, Randybitch87998@smutserver.com wrote to tell me of a great new offer on a Secret College Dorm Web-cam site. The site is run for the benefit of perverts although Nicola and Georgia, two bouncy cheerleaders who spend most of their time in various states of undress, have no idea that they're being filmed. This is a site I feel I ought to look into at some point in the near future...just as soon as I can unlock some of the funds recently granted me by the First Sudanese Bank.
Our next letter was sent by email@example.com who wrote to tell us of an 'exciting new herbal alternative to Viagra'. This miracle wonder drug will add fifteen inches to my penis and give me wood all night...allegedly. At only $30.00 a bottle it seems like a bargain...especially now that I'm rich beyond my wildest dreams. Watch out Nicola and Georgia...I'll be on way over as soon as I've finished digging out the septic tank.
And finally, we've had a letter in from my sister Janet. She says that she's full of the flu but now that she's the chair person of the local flower club she's still got to face her responsibilities whether she likes it or not. However she hasn't been to work all week because she's been feeling too sick. I should hope not...she doesn't want to go sneezing all over the chips in the cafe does she?
That's it for another week folks. If you have anything interesting you'd like to send us, any amusing anecdotes, photographs of yourselves in the nude or free concert tickets then don't let us put you off. Unfortunately we cannot return any food products or 'Ejaculation Delay Cream' but Deputy Editor Sedgwick will do his best to find everything a good home.