Wednesday, March 12, 2003

Donald Bumfeeler indicated last night that should the UN not pass a second resolution on Iraq then America might go to war without the help of Britain. (God knows what's happened to Australia in all of this...too busy preparing for the Woga-woga sheep dipping championships to make much of an impact at the moment I suspect.) When asked to clarify the statement Mr Rumspud replied that he was being polite. He wanted Uncle Tony to know that, in view of the increasing pressures from Tony I-don't-care's own cabinet (not to mention his wife's wardrobe, three shoe trees and a tie rack outside Bristol), he was being offered a 'Get Out' clause. We have taken Mr Bumsrush's statement and run it through the Rant of the Week Spin Translator. Once stripped of its bullshit the statement actually reads: "There's the distinctly sulphurous stench of rebellion in the air around the British parliament. Without a second UN resolution the chances are that Tony Swear will be tied naked to a Riding Stang and jeered through the streets of Coventry. Bubbly Diane Abbott, having taken her rightful position as Prime Minister, will not back any unilateral US war. Therefore America is fucked and might as well admit that they'll be on their own."

Still battling on against the rising tide of public hatred (Clare Shortstraw was noticeably absent from Prime Minister's Questions this dinnertime), Tony Blair Witch has drawn up a new set of demands with which Madam Hussein must comply to avoid war. These new rules will be put before the UN Security Council in order, hopefully, to bring the dissenters (Russia, Germany and France) on board with current British and American none-thinking. The list includes Saddarse appearing on Iraqi television and admitting that he has weapons of mass destruction, has been a very naughty boy, has lied to everyone about the size of his moustache and is willing to bare his buttocks to inspectors to verify that Prime Minster Blair's face is tattooed on one cheek and President Bush's on the other. (Apparently John Howard's face is somewhere between them.)

Yeah right...what are the chances of that happening eh? And Tony Bleugh keeps insisting that he's doing his best to avoid conflict.

Meanwhile Iraq today was showing off its military forces. The Baghdad Helicopter Wing Walkers Formation Team put on a particularly impressive display when sixteen soldiers hung from a specially constructed wire frame beneath a helicopter. ( ribs are still aching after seeing the footage on Channel 5 news.) "Look out boys...zers there a smart missle heading our vay." Whee... (Violent swinging of the large trapeze as the missile shoots between the formation teams' legs.) "Ha ha! Zat showed those Yankie devils!"

Donald Fuzzyfelt was obviously disturbed by the threat these images posed as America showed off the new MOAB...a bomb capable of destroying nuclear bunkers in a single strike. For some reason this raised a titter of delight amongst Rumbaba's audience. Somehow I doubt it'll be raising many smirks on the faces of the Iraqi peasants who end up beneath it.