Friday, January 30, 2004

The Lord is my shepherd.

The long awaited Hutton Report has been rapturously welcomed by Tony Blair.

British prime minister Tony Blair said a judge's report into the suicide of an Iraq weapons expert had exonerated him of the charges of lying to parliament and cleared his government of any underhand dealings.

"Lord Hutton has concluded that all of my government's ridiculous claims, exaggerations, inaccuracies and massive whirling dervish spin doctoring of the British intelligence dossier were the result of honest error, not of dishonest scheming."

"I am proud to lead a government that does not engage in deception. I am proud to lead a government that listens to the people. If these people happen to be inept, ill-informed and incompetent Dolly the sheep toadies is that my fault? (Not that thay are of course.) No, and the good Lord agrees. How much worse would it be if the British public had to suffer an arrogant government which only listened to smartarses, experts and boffins? My government is on first name terms with the vast range of well qualified soothsayers, conspiracy theorists and spoon-benders and these are very nice people with their hearts and minds in the right place. Cherie even knows a nice bloke from Australia who has lots of good ideas about lots of things. If more Australians were like Peter Foster the world would be a far better place ... and he can get you a slice of the action at a damn good price."

"I invite the doomsayers and the Doubting Thomases to read the report in its entirety, not just the sexed up excerpts that are splashed across page three of "The Dirty Digger". In particular I would refer these people to Lord Hutton's recognition of my government's record. Legislation that found a cure for the common cold, eliminated world famine, reversed global warming, banned whales from maliciously beaching themselves and put the taste back into tomatoes."

As a token of the government's appreciation of Lord Hutton's magnificent public service, a celebration is to be held next Tuesday. After the hanging of Robin Cook, Claire Short and a number of former BBC executives at Traitor's Gate, the public is invited to proceed in an orderly fashion to Buckingham Palace where they can join members of the government for strawberries and champagne, tea and scones and the ever popular bread and circuses.

Prime Minister Blair has foreshadowed legislation that will make it mandatory for copies of Gideon's version of the Hutton Report to placed in all British hotel and motel rooms.

On a personal note Mr. Blair added, "Whilst I appreciate and am indeed flattered by his Lord Huttonship's recommendation, I believe His Holiness already has enough on his plate without having to consider this 'umble, ever so 'umble prime minister's elevation to sainthood."

In conclusion the Prime Minister said: "I want to make it absolutely clear I fully respect the independence of the BBC. I have no doubt that the BBC will continue as it should do to probe and question the Government in every proper way. What this does now is allow us to draw a line in the sand on the new level playing field. There will be no more shifting of the goal posts and everyone will be expected to play with a straight bat until we get the chequered flag."


British Prime Minister Tony Blair's former communications director Alastair Campbell has welcomed the impending execution of the Chairman and a number of other BBC executives, "What a pack of arseholes! Gave spin doctoring a bad name, the whole lot of them. Got sprung. Unforgivable! Dickheads!"

Sir Uriah Heep, the new chairman of the BBC has unreservedly apologised to the Government and the family of David Kelly. On his way to work Sir Heep also apologised to all his fellow bus passengers. Alighting from the bus he apologised to a large number of pedestrians, several sets of traffic lights and a flock of pigeons.

"My task now is to restore honesty, accountability and integrity to the BBC. As a first step the entire News and Current Affairs staff will be sent off to "The Alistair Campbell Re-education Holiday Camp" to sharpen up their which side their bread is buttered on skills", said Sir Heep.

Pulling a cat of nine tails from his briefcase and giving himself a damn good thrashing he added, "See! Now look what they've gone and made me do!"


News of the Whitewash Report swiftly spread around the world. The Australian Prime Minister, stepping out of a telephone booth and assuming his role as The Man of Steel, demanded that all naughty children what had called him bad names come up in front of the class and write "Sorry" a hundred times on the blackboard and promise never ever to do it again. "How hard is it to apologise?", he thundered, "I'm going to stay here until everyone understands what they've done wrong and have received their full punishment."

President Bush when asked if the Hutton Report had any consequences for his administration forcefully retaliated, "Errr derrr guys? Reality check! What the goddam hell has a survey about the sexual behaviour of Americans in the 1950s got to do with the price of eggs in Chinastan!"

Cross posted from