Twisted'll be back soon. That's if I ever finish the newlsetter I'm working on. A lot of stuff has been written via clairvoyance!!!

The Rant of the Week Presents:

Your very own Classic 'Deputy Editor Sedgwick' Paper Doll War souvenir:

As recently rediscovered on my hard drive for use in an emergency posting when I'm recovering from a hangover. Don't ask what the numbered items are...I'm buggered if I can remember.

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When you've finished paper toling my barely visible dangly bits you Amerkins out there might like to take this quiz.

Fess up and post your score in the message box when you've finished.

US Marines digging up suspected chemical arms site

"US Marines were digging up a suspected chemical weapons hiding place in the courtyard of an Iraqi school southeast of Baghdad on Saturday.

The Marines said that a man who described himself as a former member of the Iraqi special forces told them that groups of Iraqi men had knocked down a wall of the girls school two months ago, hidden something in the courtyard and then concreted it over again during the course of three nights.

"We don't have a clue now but we're going to dig it up and see," General James Mattis, the commander of the Marine Division which is the main Marine ground force in Iraq, said at the scene.

Marine forces were digging up the heavy concrete laid in the courtyard of the school in the dusty town 80 km south-east of Baghdad."

General James Mattis is currently examining "The Diary of Fred bin West aged 55¼".

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Hey! This is your chance to be a part of the first-ever Presidential Prayer Team for Kids contest! That's right! Simply write a prayer for President Bush. Send it in to us and we'll use some of your prayers right here on the PPT for Kids website.

Enclose a self-addressed, stamped return envelope and we'll send you The Presidential Prayer Team "We're Praying for Our Troops" window sticker and two PPT membership decals. One selected winner will receive a Presidential Prayer Team Prayer Bear.
Prayer Contest

Presidential Prayer Team for Kids

... and now for something completely different.

AustralianAmerican forces have finally (after much gung-hoing, followed by blubbing and then more gung-hoing) started reconnaissance incursions into the outskirts of Baghdad. The smoke-strewn suburbs, according to reporters, are now ringing to sounds of "God save Merica, Land of the Free" and mortar fire accompanied by the occasional stray blub from some homesick Texan.
Meanwhile, a rising tide of hostility and anger continues to sweep across the Arab nations, as ancient historical and religious sites across Iraq get blown to smithereens. Said a spokescretin from the US military, "We don't have any history in Merica...apart from the time we whooped the British's's's asses of course!" (Editor's note: That was last week wasn't it?) "The idea that 'Destroying buildings of historical significance can be equated to tearing up photographs of deceased loved ones' just doesn't equate in our minds. As doesn't respect, decency, honesty, intelligence, education..." etc.
If images on "Iraqi television...part fifteen" are anything to go by, a jolly puppet Saddam has been seen rallying support in central Baghdad. "Now that coalition troops have finally got here and we're knuckling down for the final chukka," said the Iraqi Minister for Information from his jeep on the Saudi Arabian border. "Saddam has become a new man!" No kidding...a fatter, rounder, far more jovial and less intelligent man by the looks of things. Rumour has it that the real Saddam has shaved off his tash, donned a caftan and gone to work for Fray Bentos leaving his blow up doppelgangers to take the flack.
On a more personal note, I have been told that I won't be able to keep my gallstones after the operation as a souvenir. "Unfortunately some people were turning their gallstones into necklaces," commented my surgeon when pressed on the issue. "This was very unhygienic and a recent change in the law means that I can no longer make small presentation packages out of objects removed from peoples innards." That might explain why Kinder Eggs are facing bankruptcy.
George Dubya Bush has personally decided to visit Baghdad from the final scene. "I'm gonna belt that Iraqi bastard on the nose," he said...although Hollywood has confirmed that Arnold Schwartzenegger will be used as a stunt double for the showdown.

Brand new hospital...same old administration cock-ups.
It seems that my much-anticipated operation is now re-booked for a week on Sunday instead of the previously supposed day after tomorrow. Well worth all the effort of a three hour trek over the Lancashire fells to discover the fabled 'Lost Clinic of Broughton', only to be greeted by the surgeon, a quick hand shake, a poke in the belly and his private secretary explaining how they'd overbooked and would next Sunday be alright by any chance?
But what a fantastic building! This is the NHS moonlighting with BUPA. And, bugger me, the other half certainly know how to live, the parasitical bastards! A sixteenth century rambling cottage with individual rooms, en suite bathrooms, cable and satellite, mints on the pillows, cocktail cabinets, private massage girls, the full blooming Monty! Art decor windows. Private swimming pool for every patient. Squirrels running carefree through the surrounding woods and ornamental fountains set to music.
I'm used to strip lighting, fat nurses and crocheted blankets. Bleeding aristos! This must be costing the NHS a bomb! Fortunately it's costing me bugger all. I'm don't mind waiting another week...in fact I'm thinking of developing a few more diseases so that I can book in for a month next time.
In the meantime, however, getting back to world events, I see that Blair has appointed supreme arse licker John Reid (previously Labour Party Leader and bald, Scottish clone of Uncle Tony himself) as Foreign Secretary. If I were Robin Cook I'd be thinking of resigning the whole fucking party at this point.
Enough...it's been a long day. Just time for a couple of sackings...or one at least...before I crack open a bottle of scotch and drown my hypertension in a stew of banal television. You're stuck with me for the next seven days yet folks, so get used to it!

Some precious, paranoid, malicious and libellous twat (do visit and give him a bollocking) (UPDATE ... forget that, he has closed comments ... quit while you're well behind ... though you can view comments already made) has made a spurious accusation about the estimable Green Fairy having "hacked" his Blog. The discussion goes on at METAFILTER where Green Fairy is leading 40/15 in the first set.

Latest score: Green Fairy leads 40/0 in the second set having won the first set 6/0. (Tim has left Centre Court for urgent medico-legal attention to his Achilles' Heel, aka "Unsubstantiated Libellous Claims Against the Sister Teresa of Blogging".)

UPDATE. Final score: Green Fairy wins 6/0 6/0 5/0 (Little Tim had to forfeit the match as a result of injuries inflicted upon him by what he claimed was "a vocal majority of 8 foot tall, 3 headed purple aliens sitting in the back rows and who continually threw barbed insults at him while he was serving up his backhanders. I don't care if nobody else could see them ... I saw them and that's enough for me and let me tell you, I'm a gonna hunt 'em down and smoke 'em out")

No smoking gun, not so much as a discarded transatlantic shanghai.

Spontaneous World wide movement in support of Green Fairy

A small sample of the exchange on the Comments page of this very odd Tim Lutero person.

"Adrian and Adam, you both bring up good points. How can I be sure that she did it? Where is my evidence? Yes, I have a vague reference to an IP address. I do not plan to divulge this information to anyone but a law enforcement authority official, if the need arises. But the circle of people involved in the exchange was me and Jack, and that's it. Pretty small circle."

"Even after the attack I tried to e-mail her to find out what she knew about it. Consistent with previous correspondence, her response was silence. Silence does not equal innocence nor guilt, but it does show a lack of cooperation."

"I have never ever received any email from you - not the Blogger Insider questions, and certainly no private correspondence upon the matter of your site being hacked. I had never even heard of your before today." (Jack the Jolly Green Fairy.)

"apologise to the lady. her dignified silence in the face of your wild and hysterical remarks is a proper and appropriate response." (quarsan.)

"An apology will not be forthcoming. My allegations stand, and the reason I offered up the questions was for a peaceable solution to this situation. If no peaceable solution is to be had, then all will be left is "Crazy Timmy's" version of what happened. Since Jacquelyn still claims ignorance, then she won't have to defend herself.

Tim effectively asks Jacquelyn ... "When did you stop beating your wife?"

The ROTW brutally asks Tim ... "When did you stop beating your paranoia?"

At enormous cost and by arrangement with the NHS, the ROTW can directly monitor the health status of the former Editor.

Bugger, he's disconnected it again! The devious bastard has some whisky stashed away somewhere hasn't he?

Correct Sedgers. Operation delayed by seven days. Whisky bottle reopened. Tank barrel aimed towards Deupty Editor's head.

Dear Editor, oh great and benevolent one who passeth all understanding, whose light doth shine upon the unworthy, the tired, the poor, the huddled masses yearning to breathe and lifts them up, I am not responsible for and never have been responsible for all the scurrilous and naughty things said about you in previous postings which bear my name. I have some idea (and absolutely no evidence) as to who did this but it would be unkind, ungallant and possibly libellous to broadcast my suspicions. Never will you hear the name Jacquelyn Arnold (aka "Green Fairy", "Brutal Woman", "The Woman with a British Accent" "The Mother of All Hackers") fall trippingly from my lips even though I know she did it.

I rest my case of single malt.