Saturday, April 05, 2003

AustralianAmerican forces have finally (after much gung-hoing, followed by blubbing and then more gung-hoing) started reconnaissance incursions into the outskirts of Baghdad. The smoke-strewn suburbs, according to reporters, are now ringing to sounds of "God save Merica, Land of the Free" and mortar fire accompanied by the occasional stray blub from some homesick Texan.
Meanwhile, a rising tide of hostility and anger continues to sweep across the Arab nations, as ancient historical and religious sites across Iraq get blown to smithereens. Said a spokescretin from the US military, "We don't have any history in Merica...apart from the time we whooped the British's's's asses of course!" (Editor's note: That was last week wasn't it?) "The idea that 'Destroying buildings of historical significance can be equated to tearing up photographs of deceased loved ones' just doesn't equate in our minds. As doesn't respect, decency, honesty, intelligence, education..." etc.
If images on "Iraqi television...part fifteen" are anything to go by, a jolly puppet Saddam has been seen rallying support in central Baghdad. "Now that coalition troops have finally got here and we're knuckling down for the final chukka," said the Iraqi Minister for Information from his jeep on the Saudi Arabian border. "Saddam has become a new man!" No kidding...a fatter, rounder, far more jovial and less intelligent man by the looks of things. Rumour has it that the real Saddam has shaved off his tash, donned a caftan and gone to work for Fray Bentos leaving his blow up doppelgangers to take the flack.
On a more personal note, I have been told that I won't be able to keep my gallstones after the operation as a souvenir. "Unfortunately some people were turning their gallstones into necklaces," commented my surgeon when pressed on the issue. "This was very unhygienic and a recent change in the law means that I can no longer make small presentation packages out of objects removed from peoples innards." That might explain why Kinder Eggs are facing bankruptcy.
George Dubya Bush has personally decided to visit Baghdad from the final scene. "I'm gonna belt that Iraqi bastard on the nose," he said...although Hollywood has confirmed that Arnold Schwartzenegger will be used as a stunt double for the showdown.