As September the Eleventh once more approaches and the western nations are forcefully reminded of the terrible tragedy that happened almost one year ago (I still can’t believe it...John Thaw dead! No more Inspector Morse Christmas specials!) Britain and America gear up to square off yet again against their old enemy Saddam Hussein.

Only this time the British public aren’t having any of it and Uncle Tony has found himself standing shoulder to shoulder (singular) with George Bush the afterbirth, unsupported by the growing tide of humanitarianism. (Cynics! How dare they?)

So, for once, I’ve decided to play Devil’s Advocate and set down the reasons, as far as I can see them, for America having to go to war with Iraq.

1) You can’t possibly have some tin-pot dictator with designs on ruling the world behaving like this. It creates instability and his huge stockpile of weapons of mass destruction is probably the greatest threat to the continued existence of mankind today.

2) To have an entire country of religious fantasists behaving in this ignorant and culturally retarded manner is unacceptable. Most of them can’t even speak English for Christ’s sake!

3) Only through the overthrow of this vile little man -- who elected himself into office regardless of what the public thought and then started to rule them with no concern for their own well-being or the environmental chaos he was creating -- can we possibly hope to educate this warmongering nation’s mediaeval-minded population.

In short, America can’t be allowed to continue like this, and Bush must go!

That is why Iraq must go to war with the USA so that one day soon we can all live in a safer, greener world with less religious zealots, patriotic bullshit and dreadful, unamusing middle-class sitcoms.

Brian