Shame on the Daily Mail for passing off the trash of Category “D” fantasist and convicted perjurer, Jeffrey “Arsehole” Archer, as the basis of a campaign for prison reform.
The Mail’s “exposure” of the prison system is hardly news. Let us examine a few of the things that are seriously meant to make our hair stand on end and our cheeks blanche in horror.
SHOCK HORROR!!! Arsehole forced to share atmosphere with drug pushers and murderers. He hardly comes over as a man in fear of his life or his sphincter. He’s been rubbing along with City crooks and shysters for years (some of whom no doubt take drugs) and his initial discomfort seems to focus mostly on the vulgar prison decor and his distaste of Belmarsh chic. Poor thing!
SHOCK HORROR!!! Arsehole fan offers to rub out the faithless cow who put her boss behind bars. By printing this nasty piece of shit the Daily Mail is guilty of complicity to intimidate Arsehole’s former secretary whose evidence finally nailed the bastard. Why? If the incident is true (Yeah, right!) then I’m sure Arsehole’s new friend will thrill to see himself conspiring to commit murder in the national press.
SHOCK HORROR!!! Official: Jail junkies drink water. Arsehole’s predilection for mineral water can apparently be interpreted as an indication of drug abuse. Either the lag who allegedly told him that is taking the piss or Arsehole is indulging in what he does best – invention. Does he seriously expect us to believe that an addict would squander precious drug money on bottled water when he can flush out his system with ordinary tap water?
SHOCK HORROR!!! Arsehole Autograph strong against the Snout and the Bag of Dope. Belmarsh has a new currency and it isn’t toothpaste. It seems that the murderers, rapists and pushers are so in awe of the disgraced Tory peer in their midst that the poor deluded buggers are queuing up to get their empty fag packets signed by him. How many ounces of snout you get for an “Arsehole” is unknown. What is certain is that Arsehole is a lying tosser.
SHOCK HORROR!!! Prison food not fit to eat. What the f*ck does he expect in an establishment whose idea of culinary seasoning is gobbing in the stew? Maybe he should write to the Home Office and enquire about the possibility of the Ritz entering into a public private finance initiative with the prison service. Personally I think he deserves to be put on a permanent diet of curry and laxatives. That way he’ll be so busy shitting through the eye of a needle he won’t have time to produce the shit that the Mail is passing off as serious social comment.
The Mail has stated that it is not paying Arsehole a cent for serialising his prison diaries. Rather they are paying an undisclosed sum to charity. Whether the donation is on the tabloid’s behalf or Arsehole’s is unknown. What is known is that Arsehole is being bunged a £300,000 advance by Macmillan for the privilege of publishing the unabridged version of this drivel. Who says that crime doesn’t pay!
So hats off to the Mail for publishing more bollocks per column inch this week than all of the red tops combined. Having scoured the edited “diaries” for signs of a serious attempt to reform the conditions in our prisons I find only one worth a mention. Teenagers should not be locked up in a category “A” prison whilst on remand. This was thrown at the reader like a crumb of social conscience. If you blinked you would miss it. Arsehole’s diaries are nothing short of a cynical opportunity to line the Lying Lord’s pockets. If his experience of his first twenty one days banged up in Belmarsh are his idea of hell then all I can say is that the bastard doesn’t even know he’s been born.
Editor's note: 
Friday, October 11, 2002
