The disheveled, bearded bastard was hiding behind the furnace in my basement.
During the time I was off line I spent many a day searching for meaning in my life. Forty two years of chugging beer and masturbating to scrambled "R-rated" films on the television had left a void in my soul. I contemplated suicide but couldn't find any sharp objects in my home. I was lost.
God intervened in early November when he extinguished the pilot light on my high efficiency furnace. I hobbled downstairs to investigate. It was then that Christ entered my life.
Jesus' words were ambiguously profound. They moved me. Though I still haven't uncovered the hidden meaning in his initial statement of "hey bud, can you spare a couple of bucks" -- nor the phrase "got a smoke" -- I'm convinced The Son of God (or "Fred", as he likes to be called) will later explain the meaning to me as we journey through life together.
Needless to say I will no longer post photographs of bare breasted women at this blog. Nor will I paste my head on the bodies of men with enormous cocks. Yes, those days are forever in my past.
I will sin no more.
Editor's Note: The Anti-Christ has returned.