Wednesday, November 20, 2002

Wacko Spakko!

Michael Jackson has apologised for stupidly dangling his baby (Prince Albert Piercing the Third) over the balcony of a hotel somewhere in his latest publicity stunt. A horrified crowd watched as a white bundle of flesh and muslin hurtled to the pavement below. Fortunately this turned out to be just Jacko's face falling off again.

"I don't know what everyone was so upset about," Monkey loving gargoyle Jackson said. "I was only showing the baby off. It's a step up from buggering them."

As yet nobody is sure to whom the baby belongs. When asked about this, Jackson replied, "Of course he's mine. I found him under a gooseberry bush in my fairgound." Geneticists are far from convinced.

"It certainly can't be Jackon's," said Dr Scrotum of the University of Leeds. "The child is clearly white and, despite his allegedly incurable skin-whitening disease, unless Jackon's changed his genetic structure then any of his off-spring should be coffee-coloured in the palest extreme."

Following photographs released of Jacko in court the other day it's difficult to tell whether any child of his would even be human any more. However, in response to the question, "Who is 'Danger Baby's real father?" Uri Gellar, psychic tosspot and close personal friend of the moonwalking moron said, "Fuck nose," thus confirming Jackon's original statement.

Deputy editor posts late breaking news:-

Jackos' defence counsel Sir Jeffrey Dahmer O.B.E. called Dr. Steven Wonder, a perceptual pathologist, as a specialist witness for the defence. Dr. Wonder explained to the jury that Michael had significant perceptual difficulties.

"Miechal had a rare from of dicklexia which developed after an operneration during which bone that was taken from around his eyes and attatched to the hole in his face (the organ formerly known as "Nose"). This caused his eyeballs periodically fall out of thier sockettes."

"It comes as no spurrise to me that when reading Dr. Spock's bock on child rearing parctices that Micehal misinterpretated some of the advice."

Dr. Wonder gave some examples, some of which evidently impressed the jury. Jury foreperson Mrs. Elizabeth Rosemond Hilton-Wilding-Todd-Fisher-Burton-Burton-Warner-Fortensky. was seen several time nodding and smiling knowingly to fellow juror Mr. Orenthal Simpson. One juror who can't be named, Mr. James Durante, appeared unimpressed.

Dr. Wonder explained that the advice to "dandle your child" was misread by Mihceal as "dangle", likewise the instruction to "constantly amuse your child" was understandably seen as "abuse" The artist formerly known as "a right bleeding cot case" was so seriously affected by this condition that he almost always mistook the phrase "common decent human behavior" as meaning "Hello little boy, do you want to meet my special friend "Mr. Twinkynob" who lives in my underpants?".

The jury is still out. They are due back from their all expenses paid trip to "Never Never Land" later this evening.