Dear Mr. Sedgwick,
It is with regret that we have to inform you that Ms. Peggy Farcus slipped into a deep coma whilst undergoing a standard ectopic bi-plasial agricultural hip replacement with double pike and twist. This is normally a simple procedure with positive outcomes for both the patient and the financial well being of the attending specialists.
Whilst not wishing to alarm you unnecessarily I believe it would be wise for you to attend the Kalgoorlie General Hospital at your earliest convenience. The specialists have indicated to me that in your haste to attend Ms. Farcus you might overlook packing your cheque book and have requested that I should remind you not to forget this important palliative tool. (For your convenience an American Express Card is an acceptable therapeutic option.)
Be assured that everything that can be done for Ms. Farcus is being done. Sir Wilfred Kent-Hughes from Guys is flying to Kalgoorlie at this very moment. Two structural engineers from the Massey-Ferguson Tractor Company are already in attendance, whilst arrangements are in place to locate the Very Reverend Steven Gilallen, Head Mullah of the Church of the Latter Day Cartoonists so as her spiritual needs might be attended to in these trying times.
CEO Kalgoorlie General Hospital.
I don't like to impose upon my fellow ranters to forward a deeply felt and highly personal agenda, but might I ask you all to join me in a prayer vigil. If we all joined our metaphorical hands across the world and called upon the power of our respective deities then I think we could make sure that the miserable, bilious old thunderguts dies a quick but painful death.