It's that time of year again when the annual Royal Horticultural Show at Chelsea is in full bloom (bad joke copyrighted and cliched by Giles Brandreth 1967). And once again the green fingered, brown nosed equivalent of spoilt, inbred, psuedo-intellectual contemporary artists have turned their attention to stainless steel balls and concrete monstrosities. For the last three thousand years the Chelsea Flower Show has been no stranger to controversy, starting in 1067 with William the Conqueror's "Harold's Rotting Head and Limbs" garden mobile and continuing right up to the present day with the ever-popular "Dimmocks tits-like-cannon-balls-in-old-socks patio swing."
But perhaps the most outrageous horticultural display this year came from the Republican Design School of Applied Economics with their "Queen Mum Memorial Tribute" garden, consisting of a large patch of brown earth, one underwatered and slightly manky dandilion symbolically placed in its centre, and one crusty dog turd (Blanchette Granulatum or, to give it its more common name 'one of those crumbly white ones') placed sureptitiously in the corner next to a rotting bin bag.
So, which of this year's eclectic designers caught the queen's eye? Hopefully the one with boat hook.
Next week: "Bollocks to the Monarchy" Say it with crocuses and cat shit.