Oh God, it's back! The fourth series of Big Bastard Brother starts tonight and I can only wonder what freaks, pimps and council-estate dwelling cretins that cross-section the arse-end of British society they'll be flinging together for this one. After all, what could possibly top Jade Goody's sophisticated wit, charm, intelligence and virgin-like demureness from the last series?
Last year's 'magic moments', such as Jade's unrelenting tit, arse and front bottom fest, Johnny and Alex's naked groping in the showers and P.J.'s constant chain of spurious gobshite, actually left me convinced that the American television executives had it right with their ludicrous censorship for once.
The gossip is that, in the hopes of jollying along murder, anal penetration and tabloid attention grabbing excesses of inferior indulgences, this season the producers will be combining an eclectic mix of characters (one orthodox Welsh minister, a former member of the Ku Klux Klan, a large, black, Jewish homosexual, three naked lesbians and a bucket of custard, one down syndrome child with a terminal illness and a farmer who fucks chickens to death) with a sub machine gun and fifty bottles of whisky.
Sounds like fun?
You bet! I'll be glued to the screen every night hoping to see a bit of fat nipple, a blow job between two ugly, retarded cockneys or the ghostly imprint of Vanessa Felt's fanny on the kitchen table. With a bit of luck I might even overhear a conversation between three moronic but desperately competing pillocks about their terminally dull sex lives and their somewhat misguided ideas about politics.
Why would I want to, you might ask?
Because I'm thinking of taking an anthropology course at college next summer and this'll make an ideal foundation.
Deputy Editor reports on Oz Big Brother. This stuff is really rivetting ... please try to stay awake whilst reading.
Reportage stripped directly from the official OZ BB site ... and believe it or not, NOT edited, enhanced, mocked or embellished. Milton me lad, your parody's lost.
12:20: Pat, Jo, Belinda and Reg talk about the film The Truman Show over the kitchen table. Conversation turns to body types and the girls compare belly buttons and stretchmarks before talking about their breasts.
Belinda admits, "I haven't seen my boobs since I've been here". She considers looking at them under the blankets at night, "Pat will join you' I'm sure" Jo teases. Pat reassures Belinda, "I'm sure their still there".
12:33: After Pat leaves to take a seat in the sun, Belinda, Reg and Jo discuss how he should become a model after leaving the house. "I think all the boys are a bit jealous", Jo says of the attention Pat gets from the girls.
12:58: To compensate the HMs for the disturbance this morning BB has provided a BBQ lunch. While some of the HMs are still getting up the others have congregated in the yard under the warm sun.
Saxon tells Leah and Dan about his dream last night. He imagined he was portrayed as the worst person on Big Brother "but then I woke up and I was like, whew, still here".
13:13: Leah joins the HMs outside. She's still sore at Saxon for waking her up, "Lover's tiff!" jokes Reg. Leah then heads off to the kitchen where she prepares breakfast with Saxon.
Outside Jo sorts out her bikini line.
13:30: In the pool Saxon asks Jo about her magazine article, Jo mentions finding some questions difficult, particularly when they asked about her fantasies. "I don't have any" Jo says. "Is it alright if we make one up for you?" shouts Chrissie.
YES! Please God make something up before the BB audience becomes comatose ... errrrr .... the BB audience IS comatose. (There are some who would have us believe that they watch it out of some sort of perverse academic interest. Yeah, just like the Japanese hunt whales for scientific research!)
Note to Editor (who only watches BB out of a commitment to bringing the reader of the ROTW the latest news on any and every event no matter how worthless.) Is this picture not almost identical to the one of Jade cavorting in the swimming pool in the British BB 3? If so, doesn't this sort of plagiarism undermine the creative integrity and credibility of the Oz BB? My shock and disappointment is palpable.
Editor's note: A remarkably similar image except for two counts. 1) She hasn't got her tits out. 2) She doesn't appear to be in wide-screen.
1) Yes she has ... didn't want to post this picture for fear of being accused of gratuitous fleshicality.
However in the interests of honest reporting I feel I must.
(This however IS gratuitous fleshicality.)
2) Correct. The east coast of Australia is still recovering from Tsunami Jade.