Received in an e-mail yesterday:

Dear Hughes,

Oy! It's MR Hughes to you, mate! Or SIR...either will do. I haven't been called by my surname since my junior days at Eton back in the forties!

I am Barrister Johnson Madu Solicitor, I am the
Personal Attorney to Engr.Michael Hughes a national of
Your country, who used to work with shell development,
Company in Nigeria.

Obviously the Barrister Schools in Nigeria don't have very high standards then. Every solicitor I've ever met has always been extremely careful about his/her grammar. Missing indefinite articles, proper nouns sporting lower case initials, spaces missing between punctuation marks, sentence structure completely ignored. God help you if somebody contests one of your wills on a technical point.

On the 21st of April 2000, my client, his wife and
Their three children were involved in a car accident
Along Sagamu/Lagos Express Road.

They probably had difficulty reading one of the road signs I suspect.

Unfortunately they All Lost their lives in the event of the accident, since
Then I have made several enquiries to your Embassy to
Locate any of my clients extended relatives, this
Has also proved unsuccessful.

Again...capital letters where they shouldn't be, sentences that continue far beyond the normal conjunctions, odd, almost poetic, layout...my suspicions are aroused...

After these several
Unsuccessful attempts, I decided to trace his
Relatives over the Internet, to locate any member of
His family but of no avail, hence I contacted you.

How thoughtful. And how exactly did you find me when my e-mail address is Scrag Ends? It wouldn't be BT flogging their clients names out to illegal spammers again would it?

I contacted you to assist in repatriating the money
In addition, property left behind by my client before they get Confiscated or declared unserviceable by the bank
Where this huge deposits were lodged.

I think I can see a few more huge deposits lodged amongst this lot...

Particularly, the
Bank where the deceased had an account valued at about
US$7million dollars.

That's funny...I thought you said the deceased was a British national. Shouldn't that figure be in Stirling? Oh...wait a minute...you said a national from my country didn't you? Oh...you must have me confused with Gullible Hughes III, my cousin in Florida.

Conseqently, The bank issued me a notice to provide
The next of kin or have the account confiscated within
The next twenty official working days. Since I have been
Unsuccessful in locating the the relatives
For over 2 years now I seek your consent to present
You as the next of kin of the deceased since you are
From the same country and you, share the same surname

Well that's it. I'm convinced. Excellent...what am I going to do with all this money?

So that the proceeds of this account valued at US$7
Million dollars can be paid to you and then you and me
Can share the money. 55% to me and 40% to you, while 5%
Should be for expenses or tax as your government may
Require.

Five per cent? Off £3.5 million quid? To 11 Downing Street! Five bloody per cent? You really have got the wrong fucking country mate!

I have all necessary legal documents that can be used to back up Any claim we may make. All I require is
Your honest cooperation to enable us sees this deal
Through. I guarantee that this will be executed under
A legitimate arrangement that will protect you from
Any breach of the law. Please get in touch with me by my email to Enable us discuss further.

Quick as a flash I'm hitting that return e-mail button. This is too good to miss. I'm going to be rich! Forty per cent of three and a half million quid...that's...adds two, minus three and half my little finger...why that's fucking loads!

Best regards,
Barrister Johnson Madu.{esq}

Hah hah! So long suckers! I'm loaded now so I don't need you any more! Sedgwick, Coffee, Morgan, Twisted Sister and Weaver! You're all sacked. Get out into the gutter and freeze you peasants. I don't need your sort hanging around and spoiling my garden parties with the rich and famous. Joe...I'm keeping you on as my personal accountant and translator...but the rest of you losers can pack your cases and leave this instant! HAH! I'm a millionaire and you're all rubbish! See you later fools...if you can ever afford to visit me in Jamaica that is!