Monday, May 12, 2003

Some of the Things I have Learned from Hollywood!

Films, as the great movie moguls are always telling us, are reflections of our own lives. They encompass our dreams and show us the truth about humanity. So, here are a few of those reflections that I personally have noticed over the years:
1) Lawyers only ever accept cases that are morally and ethically sound. They are not amoral, greedy selfish bastards who would gladly sell their grandmother's soul to the devil at all.
2) All Jewish mothers speak very fast and complain to their sons a lot.
3) Only slim, surgically enhanced women lead interesting lives. Fat, ordinary looking women are dull, stupid and have loud voices.
4) Men who operate cranes or work in offices still somehow manage to find six or seven hours out of every day to work out in the gym and build up six-packs.
5) Anyone who lives in America and has an English accent is evil.
6) If anyone kills a member of your family hunt them down and kill them. This will instantly dispel any negative emotions you might have had with regard to your relative's death and you will not end up in court on a murder charge. In fact the police won't bother to investigate you at all.
7) People who live in America and have an Australian accent are backward and annoying.
8) America is the only country on Earth that has freedom of speech, gay people, decency, an open mind, an egalitarian attitude, a political system controlled by ordinary people, a sense of humour and a racially integrated structure.
9) Homosexuals are always camp and witty and are incapable of doing anything wrong.
10) The lawyer that sums up the case first always loses.
11) Strong-willed women still need working men in vests to rescue them from real danger.
12) The President is totally genuine in his public beliefs.
13) All men who ride motorbikes have no minds whatsoever and enjoy raping, murdering and stealing just to pass the time of day.
14) Money isn't important. What matters is owning a huge house made of wood surrounded by trees that are permanently in blossom and the love of your family.
15) Teenage girls who go on holiday with their friends to a large house in the woods die horribly at the hands of a serial killer if they have sex.
16) Americans always win and are always right and the rest of the world always ends up humiliated by their own stupidity and evil.
17) People with German accents are total twats.
18) If you own a pet something horrible is bound to happen to it.
19) All nuns are violent bastards.
20) Men in dresses are the most hilarious things in the world and we never tire of laughing at them.

Hollywood! Helping us see the truth for what it is.