Sunday, June 08, 2003

A Big, Purple, Thalidomide Thing That Keeps Turning Up During Children's Programmes On Channel 5.

I've no idea what it's supposed to be...some sort of huge, unhealthy turd with an irritating American accent I can only assume. From what I can ascertain from the zealous shouts of the disgusting, bastard off-spring of the American hierarchy that surround it, it's called Barney. Whatever its name is it strikes me that it's just some sick old shit with paedophile tendencies. "Let's sing a song! I love you, you love me. We're as happy as can be." (Zip...what do you think this is children? That's's Barney's trouser sausage and he wants you to give him a big cuddly.)
The kiddies themselves? At first glance the perfect example of an eclectic cultural mix. On further examination however it becomes obvious that they're all the same child that's been cloned and then slightly genetically modified. The white kid has slicked back hair, more teeth than a grand piano and two obvious bolts surgically implanted into his jaw to fit the current trend amongst the ostentatiously rich. The Chinese kid is exactly the same but with the tiniest hint of the orient about him. The black kid isn't black at all but an ever-so-slightly darker than white colour...just enough to create a 'racial mix' without the Ku Klux Klan cancelling their subscription fee for the television channel.
Children of a lesser God indeed, all dancing and singing with some frightening midget in a yellow penis costume, all on day release from the local retard centre for precocious little bastards with more money than brains. The Waltons' school of acting is clearly on display here: "Goodnight Barney...we love you so much..." Wretch! "Saying 'Be Careful' is the same as saying 'I love you!'" BLEUGHHHHHH! Spatter! That's what Barney is! A huge mound of sick following a night of Vimto mixed with vodka.
That weird "Booh bah zing zing booh bollocks" that's on in the evenings is far superior to this vile suppository of so called 'education'...even if it doesn't make a blind bit of sense. At least "Booh bah" is fascinating to watch...if not incredibly disturbing after three joints and a tube of Pritt.
Barney Says: "I'm not educational kids because real life is nothing like this! Unzip me, kids, and I'll give you your first real lesson in American Lurv!"