Another annoying car advert!

The New Micra!

How can you describe how compact and yet how spacious it is at the same time?

Try saying "Compacious." Come on, say it with me..."Compacious."

Editor's note: Or alternatively you could try saying "Spacked" because, somehow, that seems to sum it up it much better.

Important Things We Can learn From Television Adverts!

1) A product is completely crap unless we're told otherwise by somebody with an American accent.
2) Forget clitoral stimulation! The easiest way to bring a woman to orgasm is to cover her head with Herbal Essences Shampoo.
3) Apparently Beans Means Heinz...not gut rot and flatulence.
4) Drinking loads of alcohol means that by the age of thirty-five you'll have loads of mates but still be a virgin.
5) Women are better off driving smaller cars because men are better than they are.
6) British trains are roomy, luxurious and comfortable and not the overcrowded cess pits that we thought they were.
7) Educated people are socially backward, have goofy teeth, lots of spots and behave like morons.
8) To express your individuality copy everyone else.
9) Despite claiming that it must end soon the DFS sale will be with us forever.
10) McDonald Burgers are nutritious and wholesome and not slices of bulls' testicles wrapped in damp cardboard at all.
11) British roads are empty and surrounded by moorland and traffic jams are none existent, which is fortunate if you've just spent £10,000 on a brand new car.
12) People who live in Italy all have the plague.

Uncle Brian...filling in the board with crap like this because he couldn't be arsed watching the news today.

Gratuitous BBW Posting

Just a little something to help Leve Stangille make it through to his next Bible class without having to resort to his wife.

So the BBC didn't exactly lie but they did 'sex-up' Dr Kelly's confidential report...a bit. That's the nature of reporters. They go for headlines. And the government demands an apology for them calling Alistar Campbell a dickwad. Then the BBC demands an apology off the government for doing more than 'sexing up' claims about their reporters. And the government states that the integrity of the BBC news is now in question. So the BBC says that the government's integrity is still in question. And the government accuses the BBC of this. And the BBC accuses the government of that. And...oh for fuck's sake! Shut the fuck up whinging! They're all total bastards!
In case we've forgotten ten thousand people died in Iraq! The so called 'Weapons of Mass Destruction', regardless of anything else, have not been found. The chemical and biological weapons that formed the basis of America and Britain going to war in the first place are still missing! The forty-five minute threat was, obviously, a load of old bollocks because Iraq didn't fight back! And now the allies are occupying a country under the pretence that it's been liberated when the population of that country think very differently and the whole fucking war was a farce and a sham from the very outset!
And still Bush is hunting down Saddam! On what fucking grounds, might I ask?! Regardless of dead civil servants and government spin, there was no fucking major retaliation as promised. Iraq didn't pose the threat it was supposed to be posing. There were no nuclear, biological or chemical strikes! So how come Bush is still hunting him down? What's the excuse? That the man's a bastard? We all know that! But so are Bush and Blair and the bloke who runs the grocers round the corner from me. But that doesn't give me the right to take control of another fucking country and spend millions of the tax payers money trying to track them down and kill them!
When will people ever learn? As George Orwell pointed out in '1984', keep a population at war and they'll remain united behind their government no matter how fucking corrupt and controlling they are!
Come on folks! It's time to fight back and sack the whole fucking lot of them. Then let's try again...this time with a bit more consideration about who we're electing.

By 'eck, it's been chilly recently!
An' yet I keep 'earin' people on the telly goin' on about 'ow the weather's smashin' all known records for bein' so 'ot!
Bloody liars, 'scuse my Labia! I've 'ad t' crank me 'eatin' up to three bars an' leave the oven door open!
It's all that Trebor MacDoughnut's fault, the ignorant nig nog! Y' shouldn't have darkies readin' the news, that's what I reckon! Y' just can't trust 'em! Not after that Willy Vanilla fiasco some years ago when those two pop star wallahs was caught pretendin' t' be Des O'Conner and Val Coonigoon. And they couldn't sing at all! Not like those nice white an' orange young men 'oo they was trying to be, in their rocking chairs croonin' with the voices of angels.
Nah...those wig nogs ain't t' be trusted one aorta! Especially not with news what's about the weather bein' so 'ot. 'Ow would they know? They've got black and blue skin what doesn't burn. An' they reflect the 'eat into our eyes so's they can rob us!
An' they can sack that Moira Hindley woman off the ten o'clock news an' all! She's another big wog wig, as my 'Enry (God rest his wallet) quite rightly used t' call 'em! Only she's a wog nig in a wig! Either that or she's got a mop on 'er 'ead. She always sits there all hauty tauty like as though that's 'er proper accent and she's not pretending t' be British so's she can keep 'er job an' suck up t' the queen at all!
Well I ain't 'avin' none of it! I didn't sleep wi' fifty-three Yankee shit Soldiers durin' the War ('scuse my Cock) so's the 'ole bleedin' country could be taken over by black newscasters an' sports presenters!
If we carry on like this we'll be 'avin' bloody Welsh reporters at this rate an' then what's goin' to 'appen?!!
I'm seventeen-two you know, and all me womb 'as turned t' dust because o' this lot!

How freeze one of your Balls off in a heatwave.

"Britain's heatwave, which has claimed dozens of sunburn and heat exhaustion victims, has now produced its first case of frostbite.

A motorist was diagnosed with the condition after driving with his toes too close to the air conditioning vent on the 400 kilometre journey from London to Manchester.

One of his toes started to turn black and another went blue.

"It was incredibly hot," Mike Ball, 46, told the Guardian newspaper. "I slipped off my shoe and sock because my car is an automatic and I don't need to use my left foot. I didn't realise anything was wrong until the next day when my foot was extremely painful."

Mr Ball went to his doctor and was prescribed a cure for mild frostbite. He is expected to make a full recovery."

Which is more than can be said for the Guardian editor who thought the story was worth running.

etc

The Chapel Driftwood Home for Hopeless Causes: Progress report on patient 132b (Mr B Hughes aged thirty-nine and eleven twelfths, of no fixed mental abode).

Patient shows signs of further deterioration through excessive exposure to sunlight and the banality of modern existence. Take this extract from his Enid Blyton's Bumper Jotter for Junior Diarists example:

"Last night I dreamt that I had taken a weekend break at Archaeology World, a depressive dump not too dissimilar to Pontins out of season with the added attractions of faked archaeological digs and cheap Hollywood look-a-likies wandering around killing the guests.
As one of my fellow detainees in the chalet next to mine put it to reporters, "I was thrilled to witness my brother-in-law shot repeatedly by a five foot two inch Welsh Arnie."
I dug a test pit round the back of the "Wattling Street Stores" and was delighted to uncover two strategically placed Victorian medicine bottles and half a Roman conversation. The conversation appeared to be written in Latin and was contained within a speech bubble with bite marks taken from the corners."

Doctor's comments: Patient unable to separate Time Team from fiction. Recommend five milligrams of whisky to be injected into the buttocks at regular intervals.