Wednesday, November 13, 2002


There's too much traffic on Britain's roads. (Except for Fleetwood of course, where, fortunately, because of the peninsula people just reach the clock outside the market, turn round and bugger off back where they came. Exactly why they come down here in the first place if that's they're only objective, I've no idea...but there you go.) In order to combat this problem John 'Two-Jags-one-for-each-buttock' Prescott continues to increase the number of roads across Blighty, uprooting ancient monuments, historical woodlands and nature reserves in the process. Unfortunately the plan isn't working as within two years these roads are also congested and more have to be added to the increasingly scarred landscape.

The answer is simple. Shut the roads down. If there aren't any roads, you won't get any traffic. People will soon get sick of queuing up for days at a time only to discover that there's nowhere for them to go when they reach the front of the traffic jam.

Unfortunately road designers fall into the same category as Town Planners in that they're systematically destroying the stuff they're supposed to be preserving. For example, a small town decides it's getting a bit squalid and needs to bring in more visitors/money. So it pulls out all the stops, builds Olympic stadiums, health spas, hypermarkets etc. and soon the traffic is flooding in. The next thing you know the place is totally knackered. High-rise buildings, huge car parks, congestion. And all the original occupants hate the place because the characters been overtaken by grey monoliths and exhaust fumes. So they bugger off to another town/village that isn't completely shagged by 'investment' where the whole process starts all over again.

It seems to me that civic dignitaries, politicians...even your average British residents...don't have any sense of moderation. And frankly, if you're ambitious and you live in Birmingham or some other such shit-hole, then it serves you right. Just don't come to Fleetwood. There's nothing for you here except a few old fish heads and the odd diseased pensioner.