Friday, November 15, 2002

So Mrs Fartyarse...y'r not sure if I'm a woman or not, are y'? Well judgin' from your ugly daguerreotype I'm not sure if y're a 'uman bean. I thought I was lookin' at a photograph of me own elbow for a while there. For somebody 'oo obviously 'as an amount of intelligence, as some of y'r politicalities clearly remonstrate, y' seem to 'ave no concept of family. Our Brian's a good lad even if 'is ideas are a bit too modern for me own simple tastes. 'Ee pumices me bunions good and 'elps me get the shoppin' in quite regular. It's that bastard second cousin once removed from a sheep's offspring of yours y' wanna watch out for. I don't trust that stupid-looking beard and all of them fanciful words 'ee uses. Plain speakin's what it's all about. None of this 'igh-pollutin' queer talk that 'ee keeps ejaculatin'.

Besides which, 'ee looks like a paki to me! Bloody pakis and krauts! They get everywhere. Under me fridge. In the out'ouse. Down me flu. I'll 'ave t' call the exterminators at this rate. I caught one the other day, y' know, walkin' down the street with his dirty turban on and his stinkin' sandals. All 'igh and mighty 'ee was actin' and all, as though 'ee 'ad every right t' be there. 'Ee says t' me, 'ee says, "I'm on vacation and I was wondering where the nearest tram to Lytham might be?" "Oooh...on vacation, is it?" I says. "Well, 'ark at 'you, y' stuck up wog. We calls it an 'oliday round 'ere and the only tram you need t' catch is back t' Germany!"

That put 'im in 'is place. Well...seriously! The smell was somethin' awful and if y'r not careful, y' know, they creep into y'r 'ouse at night and shit in y'r sink, 'scuse my American. I blame it on the lack o' discipline meself. Young people nowadays don't know what it's like to 'ave masters and mistresses like what we did in the olden days. They was firm but fair I always thought even if they did like t' beat us within an inch of our lives. Well, they was privileged and 'ad every right t' use their belts on our 'eads. What young people nowadays need are their bollocks choppin' off, 'scuse my Japanese, and nailin' to traitor's gate. I'm an 'under and four you know and I've still got all me own teeth tooth.