OUT FOR THE COUNT.

Yesterday there was an election for our State Government. The Labour Party romped home with whopping increased majority. The Liberal (conservative) Party, the Party that started off the campaign in fine style by having its star candidate not being able to stand because he forgot to enrol to vote, was donkey walloped. That was a bit unfair on the part of the voters because the Labour Party stood on policies that were only marginally different from the conservatives. (Don't think Labour wanted kiddies back up the chimneys, but I'll have to double check on that.)

I spent the night of the election at the local Electoral Commission Office counting votes. I can report that Osama bin Laden received only one vote. A disappointing result considering the amount of media coverage his campaign received. One voter had written on his (I'm assuming it was a male voter, but I could be jumping to an unwarranted conclusion) ballot paper "I slept with your wife". This one had to be put in the Informal Vote pile as the voter had not specified which candidate's wife was engaged in this activity to garner votes for her husband. Another to hit the Informal Vote pile informed us that the voter had gone to the real power behind the candidate's would be throne and "had slept with his girlfriend". Again lack of specificity ... and gross lack of taste and judgment.

The ballot paper inscribed with "You are ALL fuckwits' was pored over for a long time by our team before being declared as the only legitimate and carefully considered vote cast in the seat. "No confidence" was scrawled across one paper, the Electoral Commisision has made a public appeal for this voter to come forward and identify him or herself. The Commission offers free psychological counselling for voters with low self esteem.

Our team was led by Colonel Mainwaring's 112 year old idiot brother. So when all the other teams had finished counting at 10 p.m. and were tucking into the takeaway vindaloo and knocking back cans of Fosters we were still up to our lugholes in uncounted votes. The good Mainwaring had told us that he "didn't trust those new fangled automatic counting machines, so we will be counting the votes manually." That on top of the oft repeated "Oh, no. What I meant by that was that you should do it this way." Sitting opposite this man counting and collating Everest piles of ballot papers while he was doing likewise, BUT AUDIBLY, made for much efficiency, accuracy and a crystal clear understanding of the motives of axe murderers.

At 11 p.m. we were done. Not a skerrick of vindaloo to be seen in the kitchen, just a room awash with empty cans. With any luck I will be out of the country by the time they pull up the floorboards and identify Mainwaring after reassembling his body parts.