Peter Mandelson (or Tom Ridge as he's known by his American alter-ego) is signed in as head of the new Homeland Security (or the Ministry of Truth as it's known by its Orwellian alter-ego.)

Tom Ridge has become the new dick head of American Homeland Security (in association with Texas Homeland Stores) and is raring to rise to the challenges ahead. In an exclusive interview with Rant of the Week reporter Gavin Nonofvich, Ridge stated, "It's simply a case of selective management. We select individuals, such as pinko commie bastards, abortion loving none-Christian layabouts, pot smoking lefties, gay liberal wishy washy pacifists, black minorities, basically anybody we don't like the look of, and we manage them off the face of the earth."

When asked if any human rights would be affected Ridge replied, "Not at all. These bastards aren't human. Especially the Muslims. As far as we're concerned they don't have any rights to start off with. The only things that'll be affected will be the continued growth of the corporate sector which should soon spiral out of all recognition when the Jews are safely managed into freight trains and specially designed vacation camps."

Dropped in at the deep end Ridge already faces his first major crisis...defending America from the threat of the starving peasants in Iraq. "The president is correct," said Ridge. "Those turban wearing bastards look really evil. Imagine what would happen if they managed to get hold of a three-hundred and fifty-foot disintegrater gun! There'd be chaos. We don't care if the weapons inspectors don't find anything. We need to teach these foreigners a good lesson. We're equipping our troops with lynching ropes and white hoods as we speak."