Friday, July 25, 2003

Day One Hundred and Sumtink or Udder: Terrible news! My two lovely sons have been killed whilst serving der time as apprentice pattie makers at the MacDonalds in Mosul! Oh tragic day! Dey both owed me over one million Iraqi punts for last week's rent! I shall hunt de bastards responsible for dis outrage down! Destroying a MacDonalds like dat! It's completely unforgivable! Might Allah smite their buttocks wid a bit of barbed wire tied to a stick!

Day One Hundred and Sumtink or Udder and One: Have decided to take Waddingtons to court for using my face on der playing cards widdout my permission. And such an ugly distorted image it is too! It captures none of my refined grace and beauty. If Zeta Jones and Douglas can get one million of de squids from suing Hello Magazine den I'm damned sure I can get sumtink out of dis! Might Allah pick a large, juicy bogie from his big nostril and flick it at de infidels!

Day One Hundred and Sumtink or Udder and Two: Got letter from Tony. He says that Dr Kelly has been disposed of and, so long as I keep my mouth shut about de whole affair, he'll keep sending me the tins of Spam. Which reminds me, I must hide the documents Tony sent me concerning some of his less obedient back benchers in the Baghdad Museum where de reporters can find them. Might Allah bless Tony's healthy testicles and grant him and his cellar full of missing children much happiness!