Gawd! How dull an' boring! I'm havin' t' spend three hours over at Great Grandma 'Ughes' 'ouse! Three hours! Can you imagine 'ow fuckin' tedious it is, for Christ's sake!? She's bin sitting there goin' on about 'er 'emmorhoids for the past ten minutes so I told her I was goin' to the bog for a dump and I snuck in here to use her antiquated, steam powered computer!
Me Mum says, "You really ought t' see 'er once every few years. After all she's gettin' on in years and won't be with us too much longer."
Good! I 'ope the borin' old cow snuffs it and then I can 'ave all her money. She can stick those lavender scented soaps of hers up her wrinkled old fanny though. They stink almost as bad as all the piss in her 'ouse. I can't believe she's lived this long t' be honest. I mean, what is she now? Thirty-three? Thirty-four? It's too old t' still be alive and spoiling the world for the rest us whatever the case.
My Dad says, "You mustn't be unkind to 'er! She might be a bit cantankerous but she's had a hard life!"
You're not kidding are y' Dad? She showed it all to me in those bloody black and white photograph albums of hers! And it was fucking borrrrrrrrrrring!
"Oh, this is me brother Thomas. He was killed by a mortar bomb y' know?"
Yes Granny, I did know! Y' tell me every fucking time I visit.
"And I lost four other brothers and five mothers and fathers during the air raids!"
Well y' should have worn your glasses then, shouldn't y', y' stupid old bag?
T' think I could 'ave been tryin' to sneak into the Fisherman's Arms with Tommy Watkins tonight, which is what we always do. But no, I had t' listen to the daft old slag goin' on about 'er bunions and Adolf Hitler! Who was he anyhow? Some oily haired singer back in the forties who'd never heard of rap or rastabilly and hadn't got a clue what bling bling was or pot or smack or speed?
Pleeeeeeeeeeeeze somebody! Get me out of here before I die of fuckin' boredom and me brain starts t' melt!
Saturday, July 26, 2003