Tuesday, July 22, 2003

How to win court cases even when you're guilty!

1) Kill the main witness for the prosecution.
2) Leak various stories to the press and then shout "Trial by media! My integrity is compromised!"
3) Force the main witness for the prosecution to commit suicide in a field at gun point.
4) Refuse to let the jury see your spotty back.
5) Get the MOD to kill the main witness for the prosecution on your behalf.
6) Make sure the judge is a close personal friend and/or shares your lodge and has a particular dislike for homosexuals called Norman Scott.
7) Put the fear of God into the main witness for the prosecution so that they won't admit to anything in front of the Foreign Select Committe. Then have them secretly killed.
8) Pretend that the glove is smaller than it actually is by pathetically spreading your fingers apart when trying it on in court.
9) Marry a judge and have the main witness for the prosecution removed from the trial by lacing his drink with untracable but lethal chemicals.
10) Blame the BBC...and then employ a member of the aristocracy with whom you've had sex and underhand dealings, such as Lord Hutton, to investigate the mysterious death of the prosecution's main witness.

Uncle Brian: Saving party funds from being spent on Max Clifford.