Iain Duncan Smith, lightweight leader of the Tory Party (presenting a pale, washed-out face to the general public in the hopes that it'll help them forget about Maggie's cadaverous one) has demanded (Oooh! You are manly Iain!) that Tony Blair apologise for smearing
murdered dead government scientist, David Kelly's, name. (Editor's comment: Yeah, right...like Uncle Tony's really likely to follow Granny Smith's empty demands!)
"Smith (38 going on 90) has been attending Shadowy Cabinet 'U Turn' courses recently," purred Ann Widdicomb, sexy blonde sea mine and temptress minx. "Condemning the government now after he backed them one hundred per cent before the Iraq War is hardly likely to bring the thousands of innocent dead people in Iraq back to life."
Widdicomb stroked her hair knowingly, a flirtatious glint in her beady eyes.
"Of course," she added, running her bulbous tongue evocatively round her pillowslip lips. "We're still glad those ragheads are dead because, well, frankly, the more brown stiffs the less asylum seekers we'll have knocking on our back doors."
Meanwhile the Basil Bush administration in America has admitted to using something a bit like napalm on a few thousand Iraqis during the conflict. Following the disgraceful use of napalm during the Vietnam War ("Uncle Sam says burn those slant eyes!") the USA signed a UN agreement banning the use of this destructive form of burning chemical death.
Frightened about the prospects of a violation of the treaty sparking off reprisals a spokesman for the American authorities replied, "Well, it isn't exactly napalm. Napalm is made from petrol whereas the stuff we burned the ragheads with was made from kerosene."
Spotting amateurs spin in action, Alistar Campbell caught the morning plane to New York armed only with the late Dr Kelly's notebooks regarding the chemical differences between cyanide and rat poison.