Whilst applauding Channel 5's efforts to appear more intelligent and sophisticated than they actually are (stick to porno films and cheesy game shows Channel 5! We've come to expect it of you) I can't help wondering why programmes about art are always presented by absolute tossers. As a child growing up I was the exception to the 'peer-group' rule of football fanatisism and pop-group pressure and would rather spend my days studying the great masterpieces of art than watching some puff with a trendy haircut kicking a pig's bladder up and down a field for two hours.

As an adult I am now a fully qualified artist (penniless and cynical with long hair)...which puts me in a better position to understand artwork than the Dean of fucking Christ Church or Sister fucking Wendy. I've haven't heard such bollocks spoken on television since Margaret Thatcher tried to defend the poll tax bill as I have when watching the aforementioned Dean waffling on about various religious tripics earlier this evening. His understanding about composition and artistic arrangement was minimal to say the least. His spurious bullshit, however, was plentiful.

I would like to say this to the Dean of Christ Church...fuck off you uninformed little twat of a man. And to Channel 5....please consider getting an artist (preferably a real artist as opposed to some cunt from the Turner Prize list) to present your art programmes in future.