Wednesday, July 09, 2003


Alwhright mate? Y'r alwhright, aren't y' mate? You're me mate, you are. You're me mate an' you're alwhright y' fuckin' cunt! Ar know...Av 'ad a bit t' drhink but am uz sober as a judge I am. Sober as a cock suckin' judge! An thas whas they ar, y' know? Fuckin' cock suckin' cunts the lorrov 'em. Fuckin' cunts in wigs thas what! Fuckin' majistrates an benders! You know whad day did? Eh? Ar y' listenin' mate, 'cos I've got somethink verr, verr portant t' tell ya! Y' know what that cuntin' arsehole ov a shudge did today? 'Ee fined me fifty quid! Fifty fuckin' quid juss f'r flashin' me knob at some bird onnuh train! Whaddya think ov zat then, eh? Just f'r flashin' me knob! Alwhright...Ard 'ad a few, on account o' Man United winnin'. But 'oo can blame me? Eh? I ask y'? Anyone 'ud a done ze same, even that fuckin' puff ov a judge. An' this old biddy...this old bastard biddy bitch...I was only wankin' off in 'er face... which, admittedly, might be contruted...constudelled...constueueued by zom as bein' a bit offenzive like, especially seein' as she was ze lady mayoress an' she waz openin' the new platform at ze time. But...but...but...oh fuckin' 'ell...Arv spilt me dhrink on y' keks...Am zorry mate...oh look whaddarv done...Arv spilt me fuckin' drink now an' Arv pizzed me fuckin' trousers! No...Ar don't wanna go 'ome y' twat! Geddoff me arm y' fuckin' bender. Arl 'ave y' now! Y' startin' sommet? Eh? Y' fat bastard! Y' startin' sommet y' big shit ztabber?! Arl 'ave you and 'oos army, y' stinkin' great ponce! Come on! COME ON!
SMACK! Jeshush fuckin' Haitch!

Editor's note: The fat bloke in the pub has now left the building, leaving behind him one set of keys for a 1976 Ford Fiesta, one copy of Razzle Magazine (well thumbed), two children and a pissed off wife, one very large turd in the lavatory and half a pint of blood from his left nostril. All donations will be given to the people who live next door to the Fisherman's Arms for the years of annoying bullshit they've had to suffer at full volume every evening around eleven o'clock.