Some friendly advice for cabinet members who feel the need to invent portfolios.
1) If you're going to use an American graduate's thesis as part of your evidence make sure that you first get the graduate's name. Secondly ensure his silence by threatening his family with extreme violence. Thirdly make sure that the thesis hasn't been published on the Internet as somebody's bound to find it and then it'll be a dead give-away. And fourthly correct the grammar and spelling, as it's different from the British version. The Mail on Sunday and other such luminary tabloids are well aware of this and any discretion will be pounced upon quickly.
2) When using fabricated intelligence sources to 'sex up' dossiers don't sack your foreign secretary if he's well aware of what you've done. Especially don't sack him and then give his job to an annoying Scottish bastard. Backbenchers are only human and will stab you in the shoulder blades quicker than you can plagiarise an O level...recently demoted backbenchers even more so.
3) Don't count on the Secret Service to remain very secret. Their track record on this score isn't terribly impressive, as Stella Rimmington demonstrates. For the best example please note James Bond, the world famous secret agent whose reputation always precedes him.
4) Should you get caught don't put the blame on the BBC. They're as big a bunch of bastards as you are
and will stick by their smoking guns right up to the end. Or until the licence fee is extended with a few brass knobs on, whichever is the better deal.
5) If you're the leader of the opposition, don't pretend to be ignorant of the dossier so that you can score points over the Prime Minister. If you were unaware of the true facts at the time then why did you speak with such authority in favour of the war, you bald headed Tory shit?
6) Never underestimate the intelligence of the general public, the ruthlessness of the British media or the lack of integrity of the American president. The truth will out regardless of how large a broom Alistar Campbell buys to sweep it all under the carpet and, with a bit of luck, you'll all end up swinging by your balls from the Tower of London. Especially Clare Short.
7) Keep your so-called 'integrity' intact and resign your office now, making way for curvaceous left-wing beauty Dianne Abbott!
