Tuesday, March 04, 2003

Talid Sheikh O'Riley Rodney King Muhammad Ali the Third, the man responsible for masterminding the World Trade Centre disaster, has been arrested by the FBI. He is currently being interrogated with a pointed stick, five sets of knuckle-dusters and a high-wattage genital clamp, the hope being that he will lead American Secret Services to the, as yet undisclosed, whereabouts of Osama bin Laden. As he was dragged away at cattle prod point Talid Muhammad told reporters through his gag, "I've no idea what's going on! I was on a wine tasting tour of South Africa when these pillocks grabbed me. I heard one of them shout, 'He's got a turban on...he'll do.'"

At three o'clock this morning blood-spattered paper was seen fluttering from the FBI headquarters. Examination revealed that it was the last few shreds of the Geneva Convention being thrown to the wind.

On a related issue, David Blunkett this morning explained how the British government's plans to stem the rising tide of refugees would actually work.

"It's very simple..." he told the pillar-box. "Well...it'd have to be. Tony devised it. As every good Daily Mail reader knows, we can't go on accepting these ingrates to our beloved island, putting them up in five star luxury prisons and handing out expensive coupons and Oxfam clothes. Have you any idea how much it costs to store fifteen people in a three-foot cell for eighteen months? So we've decided it would be much simpler in the long run if we found out where they were coming from and then bombed their countries to smithereens. It's clear that UN sanctions aren't killing enough, but if we can remove 400,000 political asylum seekers by way of collateral damage then that's going to save the chancellor a lot of money. And we won't be in breach of that stupid European Human Rights Bill that Jacques Chirac conned us into signing."

When accused of being racist, Blunkett replied, "Me? Racist? I'm blind! I can't tell who's black and who's white! The only difference I've ever noticed between them and us is that they smell like camel droppings."

Meanwhile in Iraq, Saddam Hussein has said that his country will win the war against Britain and America. I'm not entirely sure how he intends to do that seeing as two of his missile launchers were deemed unfit last week due to their elastic bands having perished and one of his camels has come down with whooping cough, but there you go. The British government is being alert, however, seeing as all the biological and chemical weapons that we sold to Iraq still haven't been uncovered and might well be sat in a terrorist's handbag in the middle of Islington as we speak, waiting to be detonated the minute hostilities break out. David Blunkett has been conducting a thorough search of Britain personally for anything suspicious...accompanied by his dog and white stick.

And here are those headlines again for any Americans that might be reading...

Talid Sheikh Muhammed, the evil none-American Muslim infidel responsible for killing millions of innocent, God-fearing Americans on September the Eleventh 2001, has been arrested. He is currently helping the FBI with enquiries from his luxury cell in down-town Washington. Despite the terrible atrocities he committed to our beautiful families and innocent loved ones he is being treated with the utmost courtesy because, as the Whitehouse says, "America would never stoop to anything so low as retaliation." God bless this great nation of ours, the greatest nation on Earth, for treating it's evil enemies with the same tolerance as we would treat our own children.

World news now, and across the Atlantic in the British Isles it's Pancake Day. Yes...our wacky remedial British cousins are at it again. Apparently it's one of their quaint old customs to make pancakes once a year during an archaic festival known as 'Shove Tuesday'. They roll the pancakes down a steep hillside and try to catch them with their mouths. And that explains why they all have brown teeth.

Meanwhile in downtown Bagdhad a defiant Saddam Hussein, the most evil man on the face of the Earth and the mastermind behind the destruction of New York's glorious twin towers on September Eleventh 2001, has issued a threat to our beloved president. In an outrageous speech Saddam (53) declared war on America. Well, if that's your attitude, Buster, you've got another think coming. You don't mess with America and get away with it, Buddy. We Americans don't take kindly to that sort of thing and if you want your bony Muslim ass kicked to Kingdom Come then you're going the right way about it.

More news after these twenty-five-minutes-worth of adverts. God Bless America! We'll be right back, yawl hear.