Tuesday, March 04, 2003

(With additional skidmarks courtesy of the Home Office)

RAF fighter jets today bombed areas within the No-Fly Zones in both Northern and Southern Iraq, pre-empting targets such as missile launchpads and outside privies to 'soften the resistance for when the war kicks off.' Even though retaliatory bombings have been conducted for some time, this is the first series of 'unprovoked' attacks, suggesting that the war (which has still to be debated in Parliament in case Uncle Tony had forgotten) whilst not officially having been declared, has in many respects started. The ITV News crew certainly seems to think so. Peter Sissons has left the comfort of his desk and is now standing authoritatively in front of a large, imposing screen. That means the situation must be extremely fucking serious!

Meanwhile in Gloucestershire (pronounced Gloss-tor-shire for George Bush) American B52 Bombers have started arriving in force. Geoff (nee Jeff) Hoon insists they're just delivering McDonald burgers to John Prescott's winter retreat and not loading up with missiles to be delivered to Saddam.

The build up of allied forces in Turkey has taken a blow today. The Turkish government has voted against allowing 'Those Yankee Bastards' onto their soil, which means that God knows how many hundreds of thousands of troops will now have to travel thousands of miles to Kuwait. "Most will perish en route," said a spokesman for the Welsh Assembly. "It's getting close to summer in the Middle East and the rutting season is almost over for the year. The Gulf itself will soon dry up and the cracked, parched earth beneath will be littered with the exhausted, flapping bodies of dying marines." Then a breeze blew his living room curtains apart revealing a sheep in suspenders outside and forcing the minister to admit to his stereotype.

Officials in Washington have said that, "Turkey's back-down on this issue will result in many more deaths, both of American soldiers and innocent Iraqis." (They could try not going to war at all, of course, but hey...who am I to argue the point?) "It will also result in sanctions against Turkey and the withdrawal of aid, plunging the Middle East another fathom deeper towards the inevitable Third World War," he added with a sinister smirk.

Meanwhile: Local news and an old aged pensioner is thinking about suing Lancaster Council because she twisted her ankle this afternoon on a cobblestone whilst taking a short cut through the castle grounds. "I might take them to court over this matter," said Mrs Worthington of Hawside Lane. "Then again I might not. It doesn't hurt that much."

And in Fleetwood a small kitten got stuck up a tree for half an hour before it managed to climb down again.

Further afield the British Government has been staging "rehearsals" this afternoon, in case of massive biological and chemical attacks on a scale with September the Eleventh. (Presumably they're worried in case one of the B52s in Gloucestershire crashes.) "We need to bury a lot of our unpopular policies and dreadful statistics by scaring the shit out of everyone alert people to the possible threat of such a...threat...occurring!" a spokesperson admitted. "And we need to make sure that the hospitals are prepared for any emergency." (You could try giving them some proper money then, couldn't you...so that they don't have to carry out operations with dessert spoons and collapsing operating trolleys, dickwads?)

Working undercover the Rant of the Week Investigative Team have seized several notable e-mails sent out during the course of the day when all the news coverage was taken up with Iraq, the build up of troops and bugger all else.

From John Prescott to the Transport Ministry: "Today would be a good day to bury the Rail Networks Improvement Figures."

From David Blunkett to the Educational Committee: "Today would be a good day to bury the GCSE Results."

From the Duke of Edinburgh to the Palace: "Today would be a good day to bury the Queen Mum. She's starting to stink the ruddy building out."

From Robin Cook to his secretary: "Today would be a good day to bury my one-eyed trouser sausage."

From Michael Portillo to Kenneth Clarke: "Today would be a good day to bury Iain Duncan Smith."