In a controversial move the British Government (and in particular Tony bin Blair) have decided to implement a new Health Policy. The policy involves patients having to sign agreements with their doctors to lead healthier lifestyles. (Fascist bastards!)
Apparently people who smoke and people who are overweight (why does John Prescott's private health insurance scheme suddenly spring to mind here?) from now on might even be refused treatment in hospital emergency departments if their problem is cigarette or food related. Not that I'm complaining. Those places are always full of violent fucking drunks anyway. Odd though, isn't it, that Uncle Tony hasn't even mentioned alcohol abuse? Mind you when you consider his family's track record on that one it's not that fucking surprising.
Future plans of 'treatment refusal' for those attempting to 'waste the coffers of our National Insurance' in this manner include people involved in car crashes (they knew the risks), people who walked under a ladder, pet owners, sportsmen and anybody involved in any sort of accident anywhere, anyhow, whatsoever. (Hey! It's their own fault. Accidents can be prevented you know!? We can't go round wasting public funds on stupid people who stick their hands into blenders or get their legs trapped in combine harvesters!)
"By the year 2010," laughed Tony into his copy of 'The Right Wing Times'. "We hope to have cleared the NHS waiting lists by not treating anybody at all and letting them all die instead. If, by some miracle, these fat, weed smoking bastards survive then perhaps they'll see the error of their self indulgent ways and will join BUPA instead."

Other news and Barry Manilow has broken his World famous nose. Apparently he woke up in the middle of the night, stumbled out of bed and banged his schnoz on the wall opposite...roughly fifteen feet and four rooms away. At that point Manilow collapsed as his nose bled profusely, losing ten pints of blood. Now the ageing kitsch star is considering rhinoplasty.
"Not a chance," commented Dr Cecil bin Sedgwick, World famous plastic surgeon. "In Manilow's case it'll have to be elephantoplasty or nothing."

Deputy Editor notes that Mr Durante's lovechild has made an opportunity out of adversity.